
At 59 (almost), thrice married, twice divorced before age 24, widowed since 2010 after 27 plus years with my last husband, I made the unimaginable (read sarcastically) decision to reject two offers of marriage or monogamy in the years after becoming a widow because of two vital factors:
- At present, I don’t need anyone’s help to financially survive. Maybe for the first time in my life I don’t need a man to have a place to live, food, clothing etc. . This one factor had the most freeing, empowering and wonderful effect on me and on the honesty of my judgement, my willingness to see undesirable character traits when they’re staring me in the face. Being financially able to live without relying on a partner’s input is an amazingly secure and stable place to stand, and then from there to rationally decide if you want to jump off from that stable place and allow another into your life. Will they enhance your life, peace, happiness or eventually smash it, and you, to ruins? Surprising how much easier it is to let go of a bad situation if you do not need that person to live. This is a cautionary tale for young women who get pregnant far too young, thinking their 17 year old boyfriend working part time sat a burger joint will make a good husband and father,and they’ll live happily ever after. Then they end up having more babies in rapid succession, 5 years in they are being beaten weekly but find they can’t leave him because they can not work AND take care of several toddlers at the same time because childcare for one is $150.00 or more a week.
Do not get yourself trapped. With only one youth to live you need to live it well, get some skill or degree to support your own self and only begin to have children once you’ve already been in a committed relationship (one that seems it would be emotionally and financially able to provide a good stable home for any children) for a few years at least.
2) My four kids had left home, married or were in college when I became a widow and my mother in law too had moved out a few months prior. My house was empty and at 50 years old, I was totally alone for the first time in my life, for long stretches sometimes. I struggled for months getting used to the oddly unnerving silence, hearing no footsteps upstairs all day and night, no snoring, no cars pulling in and out of the driveway. I missed them all terribly, but I kept in contact with my adult kids via texting, probably too often. I no longer had 4 loads of laundry to do every day. If I cleaned a room it stayed clean. The utility costs took a major nose dive. Then I got on the internet for the first time and discovered Youtube and Facebook and then … me. I slowly found myself again, the parts of me that existed long before 80% of my life became about taking care of others for those past 30 years.
Lord, I found I loved it so much. If you can master the ability to be alone and actually like it, if you can be comfortable without someone else around you all the time complicating every minute of your life….then , again you will have much better judgement and you will sense and know what is not right for your life and you will listen to yourself better.
All of that makes it far more likely you will choose to remain single unless you so happen to meet your Prince Charming, the most wonderful exactly right person for you. Not a perfect person, but one perfect for you.
I’m single for nearly 7 years now and I’m not looking or seeking someone at all and I’ve never been happier. If I cry now, I know it is not due to someone else mistreating me and I know that no one ever will mistreat me again.
Do you know how good it feels to be able to state that and know it is the truth?
