You are very welcome . I meant to say (in my comment) that I learned that ( that we can only delay feeling pain for a time but we must allow ourselves to truly grieve and feel our pain at some point if we are ever going to truly heal from it) the hard way. Going through various tragedies and heartbreaks myself over my lifetime I was always trying to be what I thought was ‘strong and stoic’ often because I felt that was how to best help those I loved through the same things. I always tried to ignore, bury and deny whatever deeply hurt with every conceivable method I could find until one day all the crutches I’d used to prop myself up were gone. I couldn’t run any longer.
In those moments I sat still in that space and realized how me not accepting reality and always fighting against accepting what IS was only killing me inside and causing so much unnecessary stress and damage to me and others. For example : Instead of accepting my body was in pain ,sick, tired and giving it the rest ,care and nourishment it needed- I just refused to be sick and used ANYTHING from herbs and energy drinks to alcohol, drugs and pain medicine so I could keep going and be who I WANTED to be . If it would allow me to get more done and be more, for myself and others, I would pursue ‘it’ even if I knew it would inevitably end up being detrimental to me. I kept myself in a loop of harming and destroying myself over and over again because I could not accept that I was no longer ‘superwoman’ who could do it all and make it look easy. How much different my whole existence would’ve been if I’d just accepted who I WAS and had sympathy for ‘her’ , loved her and taken better care of her. This same principle applies to everything in life.
Many spend all their time and emotional energy fighting against accepting what IS. A husband cheats, a wife makes excuses for him over and over and then, contrary to numerous evidences that he does not love her, she hangs on until her whole self ends up destroyed and lost. What if she just accepted it and moved on ? Or for example if your family is a bunch of nuts so you , for years, try to hide truths from everyone, even your spouse and children, making yourself a nervous wreck and leading to lies and covert deceptions …why , what is the point ? Just accept it and then let them accept it and maybe learn from the bad examples in one’s life and move on. So much of our misery is self induced because we want something to be different than it IS ; our children should not embarrass us in public, that nasty woman should not have flipped us off in traffic….we fume for hours or days. We don’t eat right or enough because we insist we have to be thin like someone else we see, no matter what our genetic birthright says — then our bodies fall apart from the malnutrition but we smile and say ‘hey you should be thin like me !’. (Just a few examples of how our fight against acceptance of what IS true makes us neurotic suppressed people with little joy.)
I sat in that space I found my exhausted self in, and I did not run for once, even though I hurt like hell , like I’d never hurt before, because I was sober and acutely alert. I surrendered to it. I decided the running was no longer working or worth it , even when running from feeling pain had worked temporarily , still the cost was always too high. I grieved old and recent pains and losses…..on and off for days. But then for the first time I started to feel better inside, healed. I could feel a heavy weight of tension lifting off of me as I dealt with myself head on , releasing so much pent up self inflicted misery , guilt, anger, pain. Somewhere in all of that I realized how much I’d held against my own self that I needed to forgive ME for. What was amazing was that until I had truly forgiven others for some very deep hurts I’d kept buried in me, I had not been able to fully forgive myself either. The wonderful truth was that in forgiving others I was finally able to TRULY extend that same mercy to myself. Next I started to feel something I had not even realized had been missing from my numbed, overly controlled heart for years, a feeling long deadened by all my efforts to deaden all the pain…. JOY began to return. I refound my heart.
So the lesson is : to strive to have more acceptance of reality in all ways in life (I’m referring to the things it is not helpful or healthy to desire to change or make not exist), more love for self and others and taking the time to be still and grieve through the pains we have, when we feel them , not masking it or delaying it , trying to be someone we are not. It ends up masking all the good feelings too and without those , we become robots. Sometimes the answers to our being unhappy are all inside of us.