My husband died on Sunday. He was recovering from a staph infection and then he was dead. So surreal. The words of wisdom, Katie, have helped me today. And his daughter — my very beloved step-daughter — sent me Sheryl’s posting.
But here is what I really feel. Andy did not use Facebook and had just discovered the wonders of texting. The virtual world was just opening up to him and expanding his way of connecting. He was an amazingly sweet man — perhaps the most unassuming and authentic person I have ever met. He lived his whole life with Asperger’s and his view of the world was both wonderous and challenging. He had no clue of how many lives he had touched just by being Andy.
It is truly impossible to imagine life without him it it, and I find what I had thought of as a core spirituality and belief in the wholeness of the universe shaken in a profound way. Because what I want is him, not the memories and stories. I want him. People are so very kind and they ask the one question: What can I do to help? And the only answer really deep in my heart is: “Can you please give me back my husband?”
Conceptually, I know time will heal. And I am an embracer of life so I know I will laugh with family and friends, enjoy my work, nuzzle with my dog and cats, and continue to help others because that is what I do. But, I am bone sad in a way I have never experienced.