An excerpt from Chapter Four of my novel, Adventures in Bereavement Land — Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

(in the voice of my protagonist, Rita Koppelman)

Meanwhile, it was back to the personal ads to do some more trolling. Let’s see who else might be lurking out there.

“Daddy Warbucks Needs Love — Generous gentleman of late middle age looking for healthy young woman to spoil rotten. Can travel to exotic places to be alone with you or a few other young women who share our passion for new adventures. I don’t mind if you have baggage if you can accept mine.”

I did not like his baggage and suspected I was way too old for Daddy Warbucks so I kept scrolling.

“Craving Cleavage — Are you voluptuous? People who know me well say I am a good listener and also very sensative. Some say I should have been a stand-up comedian. Most of all, I love cleavage and all the things that make a woman beautiful on the outside then I try to find out if she is beautiful on the inside too. E-mail me for more info!”

It might take duct tape, push-up pads plus incredibly high heels to meet this guy’s criteria. Besides, he couldn’t spell worth a damn and that stuff about looking for a woman’s beauty on the inside made me wonder if he was a wannabe gynecologist.

“Honeyman — Love plant growing, bee keeping and sex. Looking for a fragrant flower in need of pollination, If your petals aren’t wilted, why not give me a buzz? I also cook and do windows.”

Honeyman was probably shooting blanks anyway but that part about cooking and doing windows sounded intriguing. Maybe I’d ask him to send a picture.

“Willie Nelson Lookalike. My favorite quote or personal thought that you might like to share too is this: HAVE A NICE DAY ON EARTH! What I like to do: love Beaver Tail Light, love flying kites there and looking for other lighthouses. I’m a sucker for yesteryear, would love to escort my lady around the country visiting historical spots. If you choose to respond, please list some of your favorite singers. My all time favorites are Waylon, Willie, Chris and Johnny, George Jones (he can make be cry like a baby even when I’m sober), Hank Williams Senior and Junior, Conway Twitty, ECT. As you can tell, I have wide-ranging tastes and I like ’em all! My body is muscular from hard work, not the gym, but I’m not one to show it off to the public. Being a good cook will also win you a few points.”

Beaver Tail …..Light? At first I had thought this guy might be a pervert but no, he was just a lighthouse buff. As far as his claim to wide-ranging musical tastes, who was he kidding? He liked two kinds: Country AND Western. And something about men who refer to their significant other as “my lady” just makes me wince. Besides, I got a gander of Aunt Irma’s beau, Lefty, almost every day. One Willie Nelson lookalike was enough.

“Love me, love my dog. I am Jimmy. I run daily to stay Fit and Sane. I’m hopeful that I will meet someone honest who would like to travel with me and my dog, Ranger. He’s a Therapy Dog so we visit Hospitals and Nursing Homes. I am a Vietnam Vet. I am proud of my Service to my Country but not the way it treated me when I got home. Be Honest, Loyal, Playful and enjoy the Great Outdoors. Also be free of substance abuse issues as I am now, and at least make an effort to be Physically Fit.”

Okay, so he was guilty of out-of-control capitalization, but this man did sound sweet. Too bad I still had to work for a living and wasn’t available for Travels with Ranger. On the other hand, while I agreed with his views on how badly Vietnam Vets were treated, something about Jimmy made me nervous. “Honest, Loyal, Playful and enjoy the Great Outdoors” — maybe what he really needed was another dog.