How A Narcissistic Mother Raises Her Golden Child Son To Be Her Surrogate Husband.
The cords that bind.
The narcissistic mother burns a lot of energy maintaining her image and her mask. Her plotting and scheming drains her physically and emotionally. When it comes to parenting, she does not have much energy left. She turns to her children for fuel, also known as narcissistic supply.
While it can be tricky to pinpoint a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law, there are some red flags that you can look out for. For example, her constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an inflated opinion of herself. It can be very difficult to cope with this type of personality, but you can protect yourself by setting rock solid boundaries. It’s vital to have clear and open communication with your partner or spouse.
Some signs your mother (or mother in law) is narcissistic:
- She constantly needs everyone’s attention
- She lacks empathy and responsibility for her words and actions
- Her own needs and wants are always center stage
- If she doesn’t get what she wants, she becomes aggressive and hostile
- She believes she is above people she sees as average
- She has no boundaries
- She often puts you down and pokes at you.
The ideal candidate to target as a primary source of A-grade narcissistic supply is her son.
Boys have a soft spot for their mothers and are biologically programmed to protect women (unless the are a sociopath!). The narcissistic mother sees her golden child son as her savior who will rescue her from all her problems. He fills the gaping wound left by her own father. She expects her golden child son to take care of her for the rest of her life.
If you are wondering why your husband or male partner has difficulty attaching to you emotionally, criticizes you consistently, gets extremely angry and does not give you the attention that you need and deserve, there’s a good chance he was raised by a narcissistic mother.
His dysfunctional behavior is his way of self-soothing as he acts out his emotional and psychological pain. This does not excuse his toxic behavior but it can help you to better understand it, so that you don’t take it personally. Instead of bonding with you and spending quality time with you, he redirects his attention to toys and work or some other addiction, like pornography or gaming.
A narcissistic mother has a monumental effect on her son which negatively impacts all his relationships. Narcissistic mothers assign roles to their children. Typically these roles include the Golden Child (the Conformer), the Scapegoat and the Lost or Invisible Child. In this article, I am going to specifically address the impact she has on the golden child son.
Due to her own childhood trauma or a generational curse, she did not receive the love, attention and validation that she craved from her own father. She now sees her golden child son as a source of supply to fill this void in her adult life. Instead of embracing motherhood, she remains a child herself. Emotionally she is still a little girl, aged about two or three, stuck in the narcissistic, toddler stage of her emotional development.
She sees her son through a distorted lens and looks to him to meet her emotional needs, just as a child looks to their parent for emotional nurturance. Instead of giving it, she demands and takes it. She leans on her golden child son to validate her feelings and to support her emotionally. She makes him her protector instead of turning toward her husband, or herself.
Narcissistic women tend to have volatile relationships with their partners.
They will use their golden child son as a weapon against his father or step-father. She will over-share information that her son shouldn’t know or is too young to understand. The son gets the message that his mother is not happy and that his dad is the source of the problem. This may or may not be true, but a parent should never bad-mouth the other parent to a child!
The narcissistic mother manipulates her golden child son to see her as the victim and the father as the perpetrator. By triangulating everyone, she hides in the background pulling all the strings. This puts a huge strain on the father-son relationship. To add salt to the wound, the narcissistic mother pampers her son in a way that deliberately makes the father jealous. She clings tightly to her son and the unspoken agreement is,
“You will never leave me.”
She fears her son will grow up and become independent of her. To mitigate this, she subtly guilts him into staying. The ideal scenario for a narcissistic mother is that her son remains with her throughout her life. She makes her golden child son her confidante and a major source of narcissistic supply. This leaves very little room for another woman to enter her son’s life.
“There is nowhere else for you to go, you are going to need me for the rest of your life.” ~ Narcissistic Mother
Any other women (including siblings) are also obliterated through triangulation. She wants her son all to herself. If he does have a wife or partner, the narcissistic mother remains his number one priority. She will approve of a mate for her son if it is someone that she knows she can also dominate and control. If not, she will see her son’s partner as an adversary and make her life a living hell.
A narcissistic mother is selfish and controlling. She puts her wants and needs above everyone else. In spiritual truth, a son must love and honor his mother but in turn, she should not be manipulating and gaslighting him every chance she gets!
The golden child son becomes enmeshed with his mother so they’re fused together. They are linked emotionally, in an unhealthy way. She does not allow her son to separate from her and individuate. She does not encourage him to become his own self, an autonomous person. She puts herself front and center in her son’s emotional life. He is essentially living to serve her and her needs.
Whether he is 20, 30, 40, 50 or 60 years old, he is still a little boy when it comes to his mother. She may even refer to him by his “baby name” and may use “baby speak” when communicating with him. It’s not cute, it is perverted. It is not the way nature intended the Divine masculine to evolve and grow. A man who is still attached to his mother’s apron strings cannot be there emotionally for his wife or partner. Mommy will always come first and will be the third person in your relationship.
The narcissistic mother puts her golden child son on a pedestal.
She treats him like a trophy and tells him constantly how handsome, clever, perfect and superior he is. She does not offer discipline where it is needed so he has no limits. The other children get punished mercilessly for small transgressions, the golden child son literally gets away with murder. He can do as he pleases with no negative consequences.
He gets a lot of superficial praise and but he does not get the things that he really needs like love, validation, attention, protection, support, affirmation and correction where necessary. Instead, all his mother’s toxic emotions are being projected onto him. It is his job to make sure that she feels better. She rewards him with “treats” when he dotes on her.
All this superficial praise elevates him to a godlike status and makes him feel superior to everybody else. The golden child son learns and adopts the same narcissistic traits that his beloved mother has demonstrated to him all his life. In many cases, the golden child son becomes a narcissist just like mommy-dearest. Or, at the very least he adopts a lot of her narcissistic traits, also known as narcissistic fleas. He may bully and abuse his siblings in the same way he witnesses his narcissistic mother bullying and abusing them.
Alternatively, some narcissistic mothers annihilate her son’s self-worth and make him feel inferior and worthless. He grows up with no self-confidence, no sense of self and may either fear or hate women.
This is not a healthy mother-son dynamic and it’s not love either. The narcissistic mother is essentially using her son as an emotional tool and as a primary source of A-grade narcissistic supply. Her greatest fear in life is losing her son as a primary source of supply. She will often guilt her son into staying at home well into his late twenties and early thirties. Some men never escape.
If her golden child son does manage to break away and create a life for himself, she will immediately find herself a new, primary source of supply. She may have an affair, or if single, quickly get involved with another man to take her son’s place. Her son may be discarded just as quickly if the new source meets her expectations. It will generally be a weak, codependent man who puts her on a pedestal and is at her every beck and call.
The narcissistic mother also destroys her golden child son’s relationships with his siblings through triangulation. She will gossip and tell lies behind the scapegoat or lost child’s back creating discord within the family. She is extremely jealous. She views her golden child son’s relationships with his siblings as a threat to her source of narcissistic supply. Just like a toddler who won’t share their toys,
“No! It’s mine!”
Perhaps the biggest sin the narcissistic mother commits is emotional incest.
The narcissistic mother will seduce her son and make him the replacement for the male figure in her life. It could be the husband, or it could be the father. The narcissistic mother is looking at the golden child son as a replacement for her father. Maybe he didn’t give her the things that she needed or perhaps he over-indulged her. Either way, her son is there to fill the gap.
She makes her son her emotional husband and he must meet his narcissistic mother’s emotional needs. If she’s married, her husband will typically become emasculated by the narcissistic mother and the golden child son dynamic. She makes her son her “main man” and even though it isn’t sexual in nature (although in some cases it is) it is not the way nature intended us to relate to our children.
The narcissistic mother love-bombs her son and makes her golden child son her knight in shining armor. She flirts with him and teases him. Although not sexual in nature, the narcissistic mother oversteps boundaries. She touches him inappropriately, even after puberty. For example, she will rub his ear, run her fingers through his hair, tap his buttocks and she may even allow him to sleep in her bed until the age of twelve and above. She will get dressed in front of him and display her naked body.
This inappropriate behavior stunts his emotional development and he has arrested development. He remains a little boy instead of individuating and becoming a man. He stays stuck at the point in his development where he always feels that he needs to satisfy her wishes and demands. The golden child son is never able to really grow emotionally outside his mother’s control.
He may be terrified of committing to a woman because for him, love represents enmeshment. He has not been able to successfully separate from his mother and he fears being engulfed by his partner. He has no model of what healthy love from a woman looks like. Therefore he keeps himself safe by avoiding it.
The golden child son’s identity, confidence and self-respect is all tied to his mother’s approval. Even if he does manage to get married or to have a long term romantic partner, he’s still primarily married to his mother. Sadly, he will often choose a partner just like his mother. He will marry another narcissist as he only knows domination and control as forms of love. These men are often drawn to borderline females and women with mental health issues. Women who NEED him in the same unhealthy way his mother NEEDS him. They are possessive and destructive, just like his mother.
The golden child son has great difficulty connecting in healthy ways emotionally with his partner or wife and children. He’s basically been his mother’s source of primary supply (slave?) his whole life. The golden child son reflects everything that his mother desires emotionally. She uses manipulation and guilt to control him and to get him to do her bidding. He needs to continue feeding his mother’s need for narcissistic supply. There is no space for him to be his authentic self. Rather, he is the son he imagines he is supposed to be.
There is a part of the golden child son’s psyche that craves freedom. But at the same time, he is terrified of independence. She has sold him the lie that he cannot survive without her. He has bought into the illusion that his purpose in life is to take care of his mother. In spiritual truth, parents are tasked with raising their children well so that they can let them go. It is not a child’s responsibility to devote themselves to parenting their parents. Parents are adults who are tasked with living their own lives. It’s called growing up and being a sovereign adult. Narcissistic mothers pretend to be helpless and keep their sons on a tight leash.
Golden child sons often have intense anger issues. Their rage comes out in unhealthy (and unsafe ways). They may be passive aggressive (arriving late, not returning calls or refusing to do chores) or they may become physically violent. An uncontrollable rage simmers under the surface with these men. I believe they are trained to hate women which may explain a lot of the misogyny in the world today.
Internally, the golden child son is angry at his controlling narcissistic mother. She has groomed him to be loyal and devoted to her and he cannot say no. This internalized rage provokes abuse against himself or others. He wants to break free but he doesn’t know how to. The golden child son will self-medicate with marijuana and other types of addiction. Addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, gaming and pornography often mask the inner conflict of the love/hate he feels toward his mother.
Some men take their rage out on their partners and children physically. This misplaced anger is the golden child son acting out the hurt and pain that he has received from his narcissistic mother. He needs to direct that anger somewhere and by taking it out on you, he feels as if he is emotionally taking it out on his mother — but he would never do it to his mother because he’s scared of her. So you bear the brunt of his anguish.
There is no doubt that the damage a narcissistic mother wreaks on her own family is devastating. Unfortunately, it can do permanent harm that ruins one or all of her children’s lives. If the cycle is not recognized and broken, it can be passed on to the next generation. Healing starts with awareness. Once you know what you are dealing with you can start to break away. Allow yourself to individuate and become your own person. Instead of living through the lens of your narcissistic mother, make your own choices and possibly for the first time in your life, prioritize yourself.
If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
References and Further Reading
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life by Patricia Love
Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Encyclopedia: The Narcissism Bible by Sam Vaknin
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You by Darlene Lancer
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life.
Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery Shahida Arabi
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw
The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie
