How the scapegoat gets scapegoated.
As painful as it is, it’s still the best position to be in. At least you are free.
If you were the scapegoat or black sheep in your family you probably felt like you were always in trouble. One wrong move and it was game over. You were always too loud, too quiet, to fast, too slow, too much, not enough.
Nothing was ever good enough. No matter how hard you tried, you could never stay in your narcissistic parent’s good books. You would have brief moments of reprieve when you felt everything was finally okay but then the abuse would start all over again. You’d be back to square one and it would take so much time and effort to get back in favor again.
Your narcissistic parent may have been happy with you one day and cold shouldered the next. The moments when you felt confident would have been short lived as you were cut back down to size and “put in your place.”
The narcissistic mother or father takes absolutely no responsibility for their behavior. They point blank refuse to be held accountable for their unfair and abusive treatment of their children. They feel they are entitled to their unpredictable mood swings and bullying tactics. They believe that you, as the scapegoat, deserve to be punished for how terrible you are. How dare you speak up and challenge their behavior! They do not take on the honorable role of matriarch or patriarch and do the necessary work of repairing and rebuilding their fractured families.
“It’s not my fault. I did nothing wrong. Look how much I sacrificed to raise my children.”
The scapegoat is the one to blame for everything that goes wrong.
As the scapegoat, you were likely picked on and repeatedly put down. However, when you achieved at school or got praised in any other way, your narcissistic parents would puff out their chests and take full credit for how amazing you were. Saying, “my child” resplendent in full narcissistic glow.
Back behind closed doors, you are the bad one again. The narcissistic parent sets you up to be abused and neglected by others to make sure you don’t “get ahead of yourself.” The scapegoat is a role that is specifically allocated to the child that is more outspoken. They see the truth of what is really going on. In an attempt to set things right, the scapegoat becomes the whistleblower. Unfortunately, they seldom have any support. They are accused of “looking for attention,” lying, exaggerating, being crazy, unstable or mentally ill. This leaves the scapegoat feeling more rejected, isolated, alone and feeling like they’re rootless and don’t belong anywhere.
Narcissists are very rigid in their patterns of behavior. They all follow the same script. This is actually a good thing because once you understand the patterns, and come to terms with the truth of their rotten characters, their behavior becomes extremely predictable.
For example, all their relationships contain cycles of love bombing, devaluing and discarding. All narcissistic family systems are dominated by triangulation, manipulation and assigned roles. The entire drama and all the characters are scripted by the narcissist. These roles may include, the golden child, flying monkeys, the lost child, the scapegoat, enablers and various other archetypes.
The narcissist’s worst nightmare is when one of the characters goes rogue and goes no-contact.
What is a scapegoat?
Guilty or not, a scapegoat is the person who is blamed for the wrongdoings of everyone else. The word ‘scapegoat’ comes from the Bible. Jewish priests would perform ceremonies to help atone for the sins of the tribe. They would select two goats. One goat was killed as a sacrifice, the other (the scapegoat) was released into the wilderness.
The living scapegoat symbolically held all the sins, transgressions and impurities of the community. By sending it away into the wilderness to die, it took away all these sins, thereby exonerating the community or tribe.
In the same way, the golden child’s true self is sacrificed in order to represent the narcissist’s ideal self. The scapegoated child is shunned and sent into exile. Traditionally, being cast out of the tribe was seen as the worst punishment as you would die in the wilderness, alone.
How does the scapegoated child become the scapegoat?
The narcissist puts a huge amount of stress onto all the family members, including the extended family. Everyone is on edge trying to appease the narcissist who needs to be in control at all times. They also need a victim in order to feel superior and powerful. Dominating and abusing an already compliant or weak family member does not satisfy the narcissist’s need for A-grade narcissistic supply. They need a strong victim, someone that can take their repeated psychological bashings over a protracted period of time. There is more A-grade supply and more satisfaction to be gained in dimming the light of someone who already shines bright.
The child who speaks up, points out injustices and who has a particularly strong will, is the child that will be singled out and targeted as the scapegoat. This child is also known as the black sheep, or the “difficult” child. Once the scapegoat has been selected, the other family members unconsciously toe the line. They are secretly relieved that they are not the one on the receiving end of the narcissist’s spite. These enabling family members play along and end up abusing the scapegoat as well. They effectively become the narcissist’s spies and do their bidding.
The golden child can do no wrong and is lavished with attention and extra favors. The enabling spouse always takes the narcissist’s side (they know how miserable their lives will be if they don’t) and they abandon their scapegoated child by never protecting them. In truth, the enabling parent is just as guilty as the narcissist.
Behind closed doors the scapegoat is systematically abused and has no-one to turn to. The entire family hides the abuse and projects an image of a happy and close family to the outside world. This makes it impossible for the scapegoat to speak out as no-one believes them. The narcissist charms everyone around them. They manipulate others to support their distorted version of reality.
All the while, they enjoy the feeling of power they get from making the scapegoat suffer. The narcissist is driven by envy, jealousy and a lack of empathy. They need to be seen as perfect and godlike no matter what it takes. They do not care if their own flesh and blood suffers. The show must go on.
In front of others, they look like the perfect parent who sacrifices so much for their children. However, they sneakily undermine, punish and control the scapegoated child. The golden child and other family members may even witness their cruelties, but they will not intervene. They dare not risk the wrath of the narcissist turning on them.
The narcissistic parent hates the child who embodies the strength, empathy and good character that they lack. They dote on the child who is more compliant and pliable. They will play the two off of each other making sure they never get to develop a strong bond.
Normal mothers and fathers encourage their offspring to build healthy relationships with one another. Narcissistic parents see the close bond between siblings as a direct threat. Firstly, it makes them jealous, secondly, it threatens their feelings of power and control. They can’t have close siblings comparing notes. They will be found out! Far better for them to triangulate and maintain division among the ranks.
The scapegoat is constantly picked on and can do no right. This continuous flow of criticism keeps the scapegoat in a heightened state of fight-flight-freeze. They feel like they are always one ‘wrong move’ way from total obliteration. They never know what will set the narcissistic parent off so they can never truly relax. As if out of nowhere, they’ll suddenly be blasted by their parent’s narcissistic rage. A barrage of verbal abuse, shouting or hitting can be unleashed at any time. Just as suddenly, they are given the silent treatment and are ignored for days on end. It can take days, weeks or even months to recover from one of these rage attacks.
The scapegoat becomes hyper aware of the narcissist’s moves, moods and actions. The sound of their car in the drive, or footsteps coming down the hall immediately puts them on red alert.
The responsibility of a parent is to provide safety, love, stability, security and basic needs such as education, food, housing and medical care. A parent’s role is to nurture, socialize and discipline their children so that they can grow up to become productive members of society. A healthy parent raises strong, confident children and ultimately, lets them go. A child’s purpose in life is not to be of service to their narcissistic parent. Rather, it is to go on and create a life of their own including creating and prioritizing their own families.
The way a narcissist treats their children is selfish. They use their children to serve their own emotional needs. The golden child isn’t really on an easy street either. In reality, they are just more trapped. They are at a bigger risk of becoming just like the narcissistic parent. Sadly, they often do. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Right? It is an abomination that narcissistic parents take pleasure in their child’s pain and feel envious of their happiness or success.
A scapegoated child effectively grows up with no parent. Instead of love they are met with hate. Instead of protection they are deliberately put in harm’s way. Instead of kindness they are dished up cruelty. Instead of an ally, they have an enemy. The saddest part is that the child does not see their narcissistic mother or father for the hateful character that they truly are. Rather, they see themselves as unlovable and unwanted. This deeply wounds their sense of self and destroys their self esteem.
Scapegoated children often develop eating disorders and other mental health issues because of the bile that is projected onto them on a daily basis. The scapegoated child is mercilessly punished and given the silent treatment. They are constantly invalidated and blamed for all the family’s problems. Psychologically, the scapegoated child tries not to be themselves. To maintain connection, they attempt to become the child they believe their narcissistic parent wants them to be.
This creates the blueprint for codependency and people-pleasing patterns of behavior. The scapegoat may start dissociating, numbing out and being away from home as much as possible. They may tiptoe around the house, quietly opening doors and drawers so as to not annoy or irritate the narcissist. They may develop OCD in an attempt to be perfect and to keep their external environment tidy and “safe.” They learn how to make themselves quiet and small.
The scapegoated child internalizes negative beliefs about themselves. They see themselves as unworthy of love, not likable or lovable and as an outsider. They feel deeply flawed and are often full of self-hatred. This self-hatred actually comes directly from the narcissistic parent. Instead of mirroring love, the narcissistic parent looks into the scapegoated child’s eyes with deep, seething hatred. One of the most painful aspects of the healing journey is coming to terms with the fact that your narcissistic parent literally hates you for who you are. Where there should be love, there is hate. This is a hard truth. It is a really, really tough one to come to terms with but ultimately, the truth sets you free.
Scapegoated children often become workaholics in adulthood. They are always super busy as they have internalized the belief that,
“I am worthless unless I am being productive.”
The scapegoat is always trying to earn their narcissist parent’s love and approval. They therefore over function, over-do and over achieve to get into their parent’s good graces. The thing is, no matter what the scapegoat does, the narcissistic parent will always default back to devaluing them and their efforts. The scapegoat often doubles down their efforts and keeps trying harder. This sets them up to tolerate abuse in their adult relationships. They also feel uncomfortable when they are not being productive.
How the scapegoat can heal from narcissistic abuse
One of the biggest challenges is overcoming the fear of what others think of you. A scapegoated child often feels chronic anxiety as an adult. They always feel like they have done something “wrong.” So they are always monitoring other people and their reactions toward them, desperately trying to please and appease (just as they did with the narcissistic parent.)
Discovering and releasing the negative core beliefs you have about yourself allows you to see the truth of who you are: A wonderful, loving, good-hearted and deserving person with a huge capacity to love and be loved.
Affirm: “Just because my (Mother/Father/Caregiver) didn’t love me, does not mean I am unlovable. Their inability to love me in no way diminishes me and my capacity to love myself. I love myself and honor how lovable I am.”
As you learn to love yourself and make sense of what has happened to you, your self talk will become softer and kinder. You will be able to name and feel proud of your strengths. You will develop compassion for yourself and learn how to get your needs met. You will worry less about what others think of you and focus more on being comfortable in your own skin. You will give yourself the same empathy and love that you give so freely to others.
You will give yourself permission to put distance between yourself and your narcissistic mother or father. This may look like low-contact or no-contact. You will learn to set rock solid boundaries that feel good to you.
The most loving thing you can do for yourself is to live in defiance of your narcissistic parent’s narrative of who you are. Become your own authority and advocate for yourself. Go and live and be free. Create a life you love.
Above all, trust yourself and listen to the small, still voice within.
If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
References and Further Reading
Close Encounters of theWorst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse survivor’s Guide to healing and Recovery
Shine Again: Find Closure And Deal With The Anger You Have Towards A Narcissist by Anton Swanepoel
Connected Fates, Separate Destinies: Using Family Constellations Therapy to Recover from Inherited Stories and Trauma by Marine Selenee
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd
