The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent.
Closing the door on your past is the hardest thing you will ever do. It’s also the most empowering.
You don’t randomly wake up one day on the wrong side of the bed and flippantly decide to cut your mother or father out of your life. Rather, it’s a difficult decision made after years of trying everything to preserve the connection. At some point, something snaps. You realize that the cost of maintaining the relationship is too high. You have to make a choice and perhaps the first time in your life, you choose yourself.
There are many reasons why people become estranged from a parent. The main reason is realizing that your mother or father’s dysfunctional behavior is demanding too much of you. Mentally, emotionally and physically, you are no longer willing to pay the price.
“You are allowed to unfollow people in real life.” ~ Unknown
Society harshly judges those who are estranged from their families. On a first date for example, if you tell someone you don’t talk to your family, it is seen as a major red flag. To a certain extent, it is. But things need to be understood in context, and a first date is certainly not the time or place for that kind of conversation.
You wouldn’t insist that someone stays with an abusive spouse. Why do you insist they stay in contact with an abusive parent? Just because you have a title like “mother,” “father,” “grandparent,” “brother” or “sister” does not automatically give you a pass on abusive behavior. Why are we expected to tolerate abuse from family that we would never accept from anyone else? Honoring thy mother and thy father does not mean staying in an abusive relationship.
Emotional and narcissistic abuse is subtle and is often done behind closed doors, so it’s hard to explain. In public, the parent acts loving, often putting on an over-the-top display of affection or praise. No-one is aware of the truth of the situation and those that are, often enable it.
In her book, “You’re not crazy — It’s your mother,” Danu Morrigan describes the three layers of narcissistic abuse.
1. The first layer is your mother’s (or father’s) abuse.
2. The second layer is their denial of the abuse and invalidation of your experiences.
3. The third layer is society’s denial of the abuse, and invalidation of your experiences.
When you choose to go No Contact (because your parents are not safe), you are often criticized and vilified. At a time when you are most vulnerable, you are met with ambient abuse. Looks, gestures, silences and withdrawal communicate society’s disapproval. Dr. Judy refers to multiple layers of abuse as “the double dungeon of darkness.”
Culturally, parents, especially mothers, are seen as nurturing, loving and instinctively maternal. The child who goes No Contact and cuts a parent out of their life is seen as cruel, cold, ungrateful and selfish. You are allowed to divorce an abusive spouse, but divorcing an abusive parent? Not so much.
When trying to explain your hurt and frustration, you are met with statements like,
“It’s just how she is.”
“He’s getting old.”
“She doesn’t mean it.”
“Can’t you just hang in there?”
“It’s not like you have to live in the same house as them.”
When a parent cuts off an abusive or delinquent child it’s called “tough love.” It’s assumed that the parent did all they could and the child was just a “bad seed.” The parents receive support and oodles of sympathy, but when the tables are turned, and a child chooses to cut off an abusive parent? No empathy is given.
It’s actually very rare for a child to choose to cut a parent out of their lives for no reason. Unless a child has mental health issues or is an addict, no child CHOOSES to go No Contact voluntarily. It’s an act that is forced upon the adult child out of sheer desperation. It’s a painful and difficult decision taken after years of weighing up the pros and cons. It is done as a last resort in an attempt to find safety and peace.
If it’s reactive and done as a quick fix, then it’s not being used properly. Sure, you’ll feel great for a few months but then reality will kick in. You will break No Contact and attempt to reconcile with your narcissistic parent.
What is No Contact?
No Contact is a self-protective strategy. It is not the same thing as giving the silent treatment. Stonewalling and refusing to communicate with someone is a form of punishment. It’s often meted out by the narcissist as a form of control, to punish and invalidate you. The intention is to hurt you.
No Contact on the other hand is a conscious choice made by a victim of abuse. The No Contact Rule is a protective strategy used to cut ties with a narcissist, sociopath or manipulator. No Contact involves stopping all forms of communication and contact so that the narcissist, sociopath or manipulator can no longer abuse you.
It’s an extremely effective strategy and works well when done properly. In other words, you go No Contact on ALL channels and platforms. No peeking, no stalking no “checking in.”
‘You don’t realize how toxic someone is until you breathe fresh air.” ~ Unknown
The moment you break No Contact, the narcissist thinks that you are okay with their behavior. In your mind, the relationship will improve and uplevel. In reality you are just opening the door to more abuse.
Firstly, they will never admit to their abuse. Secondly, they will never apologize and thirdly, they will continue to abuse you. Sure, they will love bomb you for a while to hook you back in — they will act nice, return your calls and pretend to be rebuilding the relationships. In my experience, the wheels fall off after 2–3 months. They will begin to devalue you and the cycle of abuse will continue.
Love bomb — devalue — discard. Rinse and repeat.
No Contact is the only way to truly heal or if that is not an option, rigidly boundaried Low Contact.
Biologically, humans are wired for connection. Attaching to a parent is the first major developmental task a baby undertakes. Attachment wounding and the subsequent breakdown of the relationship is not only on the child’s shoulders. The parent has a lot to answer for.
Going No Contact is a painful decision that involves major emotional losses. Often, the child going No Contact is shunned by the rest of the family and they lose those relationships as well. To be willing to pay that price is testimony to the extent of the emotional abuse. To find oneself isolated and emotionally orphaned becomes the road back home to the self. It is a brave and courageous act. It is the soul fighting to survive.
All experiences, whether painful or joyful, offer lessons or blessings. The painful experience of going No Contact offers you a major point of growth on your self-love healing journey. At first, the opinions of others really matter and you will define yourself by them. You will question your decision to go No Contact and you will doubt yourself and your perceptions of reality.
Eventually, you reach a point where you get to know yourself deeply. The space and distance offered by No Contact gives you the opportunity to individuate and become yourself. You unlearn a lot of the negative beliefs about yourself and become deprogrammed from the abuse. Other people’s opinions no longer define who you are. You know who you are and you trust your own perceptions of reality.
“You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick” ~ Unknown
Danu Morrigan goes on to explain that some daughters of narcissistic mothers, “Find themselves hoping for their narcissistic mother to do something really big and awful, just one more thing, to justify going No Contact.”
In truth, she has already done so many awful things and you don’t really need any more justification! It helps to journal out all the reasons why you chose No Contact. Refer back to your list when doubt creeps back in. Eventually, in time, your self-doubt and guilt gets replaced with self-love, self-worth and self-trust.
To be honest, the pain of a damaged relationship with a parent never truly goes away. But just like the pain of losing a loved one to the natural process of death, you learn to live with your grief. It changes you and becomes a part of you. It makes you emotionally resilient and it gifts you a deep wisdom and a sense of self.
Not having loving parents in your life can lead you to develop a deeper spiritual life. In the absence of healthy maternal and paternal figures, you may be driven to seek love from your spiritual father. Unlike your earthly parents, God will never abandon you. He is your first parent and He loves you unconditionally.
Here’s what you need to really understand about going No Contact with one or both your parents:
1. It’s not a Cure All
If you decide to go No Contact, prepare yourself for the complexity of the process. No Contact is not a magic bullet that projects you into the Garden of Eden. No Contact is the first of many steps on your healing journey.
It took many years for the emotional damage to be inflicted upon you. It will take many years to fully heal from it. No Contact is not a quick fix. Yes, initially you will experience a tremendous amount of relief. You will feel empowered and free.
Going No Contact gets you off the merry-go-round of crazy making. It gives you the space to start healing and ends your dance of denial. These are the positives but you will have to face the pain and reality of your losses.
Once the reality of your situation sets in, your grieving process will unfold. You are not only grieving the abuse you have suffered, you are also grieving the loss of a relationship you never had. You are coming to terms with the fact that you did not have a parent/s who loved you.
There is a lot of debris to pick through as you start to unpack your tangled parental relationships. Your inability to set boundaries will be highlighted. The pain of their unwillingness to acknowledge their behaviors will cut like a knife. Going No Contact is not the medicine. Learning to love yourself and giving yourself permission to individuate are.
2. You will doubt your decision and question yourself everyday until you fully heal.
Choosing to go No Contact creates a lot of inner conflict. To self-orphan is a major decision that will change you and your life forever. You don’t just cut out the toxic parent — you invariably lose your connection to your entire family — siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close family friends. People take sides, it’s human nature. From personal experience, I can tell you, no one asks for your side of the story.
A rock solid smear campaign combined with gossip and other toxic family members will ensure that you are vilified and shunned. It will take the courage of a lion and an enormous sense of self-belief to break away from a narcissistic parent. When you go No Contact you also have to be willing to be disinherited. It is a radical letting go in order to find yourself.
An unloved child, by default, doesn’t have a lot of self-worth and self-trust. Going No Contact will feel impossible and that’s okay. No Contact should only be used in extreme cases and it is not something I easily recommend. I believe Low Contact offers relief and forces you to set healthy boundaries. But this is not always feasible. If No Contact is the only way you can feel safe, then do it with your eyes wide open.
Being able to maintain No Contact only happens when you reach a point of radical acceptance: You accept the painful truth that your mother or father (or both) don’t love you, never have and never will.
Affirm to yourself, “Just because my mother/father don’t love me does not mean I am unlovable.”
3. Accept that the healing process is not linear. It takes as long as it takes, which may be years.
More often than not you will find yourself adrift and alone after going No contact with a parent. Those who judge you will insist you work on the relationship. The thing is, an abuser or a narcissist has no desire to change. A relationship is a two way street. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is constantly looking for ways to hurt you or undermine you.
Practice self-compassion: remind yourself of why you went No Contact. Reach out to an online community, a therapist or a coach, especially if you find yourself isolated.
Practice radical self-care: Take long walks in nature. Mother Nature is very loving, healing and nurturing. Allow her to work her magic. Eat well, rest, move your body. Get your feelings out through journaling, stretching, massage, yoga, exercising and somatic body work. Choose a healing modality that resonates with you.
Allow yourself to grieve. After a period of relief, you may cry every day for months on end. You may get really angry. Feel it all. There is so much to unpack after you’ve gone No Contact. You may have emotional flashbacks, nightmares, suffer from Complex-PTSD and feel incredibly conflicted. Letting go is a process and it takes time. Healing happens in layers. You are healing a lifetime of emotional neglect and abuse.
Be gentle with yourself. You can’t expect yourself to function at 100% when you are healing and grieving. Give yourself some leeway and prioritize your healing. It’s a long and winding road back home to yourself but it is totally worth it.
TRUST is the cornerstone of any relationship. Without trust there is no safety and therefore, no real relationship. With an abusive or narcissistic parent, you are always on red alert. You are looking for signs of betrayal and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The relationship is not a container for authentic connection.
Toxic people demand trust. They override the reality that trust needs to be earned, and once it’s been broken, it’s even harder to earn back. You can choose to forgive somebody but that doesn’t mean that the effects of their behavior have disappeared. The ramifications of their abuse may be so severe that letting them back into your life is not an option. Remaining No Contact becomes act of self-preservation.
If Low-Contact is no longer working and minimal contact is damaging your emotional well-being, then No Contact is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself. Being in a relationship with an abusive or narcissistic parent out of a sense of duty is not love.
You are abandoning yourself and sacrificing yourself for another. You are acting from a place of fear, guilt or obligation. If it were anyone else betraying you or being overly controlling or demanding, would you tolerate it?
Maybe you think you are a terrible daughter or son if you don’t give your narcissistic parent everything they’re asking for, despite how dysfunctional or toxic it may be. For as long as you hold this core belief you are going to struggle with cutting off any type of toxic relationship. This often underlies a pattern of codependency.
In codependent relationships, you are giving more than you are receiving. It’s a 1-sided relationship. You may justify that you are willing to self-sacrifice because it’s your parent but unfortunately, that’s going to leave you with a tremendous amount of resentment.
You need to adjust your expectations. Realize that your narcissistic parent will never give you the love you are seeking. They may give you scraps here and there but it will always be followed by more pain and frustration.
No matter how hard you try to please them and meet their needs, it will never be enough. You will never be enough for their insatiable need for control. Stop allowing yourself to be a battery. You are literally making yourself a power source for narcissistic supply. Cut the cords and take back your power. Plug back into your own life.
Just because somebody holds a title in your life doesn’t mean that they get a pass on abuse. Relationships take two. Your purpose is not to be of service to your parent. Your purpose is to become more of yourself so that you can do what you came here to do.
How to go no contact and forgive at the same time.
Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness does not mean that what your abusive parent did is okay. Forgiveness is an act of letting go. When you forgive someone, you are letting go of the damage that their actions have caused you. Forgiveness releases the emotional charge you hold towards the other person.
When you forgive it’s important to never forget. This is to remind yourself not to put your rose colored spectacles back on. You can’t expect a bitter grapefruit to change into a sweet mango. Once a bitter grapefruit, always a bitter grapefruit. You can forgive the grapefruit for its bitterness because that is its nature or character. But don’t expect it to suddenly become sweet.
You can choose to go No Contact and still reach a point of forgiveness. You can love your abusive or narcissistic parents from a distance. Your absence is teaching them at a soul level that their behavior is not acceptable. Instead of staying in contact and enabling their toxic behavior, you have empowered yourself by setting a boundary.
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation either. Forgiveness is an act you do for yourself. You are not doing it for the other person. You are freeing yourself from the anger and toxicity of the relationship. There are some relationships that need to be cut loose because they are hurting you and holding you back.
Whether the relationship is with a spouse, a parent, sibling or a best friend, if someone is abusing you they do not love you. Advocate for yourself. Allow your inner parent to make loving choices for you. You ALWAYS have a choice. You can choose to leave things as they are. You can choose to go Low Contact. And if necessary, you can choose to go No Contact. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only what is right for you.
If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
References and Further Reading
“You’re not crazy — It’s your mother” by Danu Morrigan
Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life.
McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. New York: Atria Paperback.
Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery Shahida Arabi
It’s My Turn by Tina Fuller
Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power by Terri Apter
