It’s not just #metoo. It’s #nobloodymore.
I’ve allowed all the news and comment about Weinstein and all the others to flood my world recently. I already knew shitty behaviour happens so in many ways it’s not been a surprise. I’ve experienced some that behaviour, heard about it and read it. I’m not unique.
But this week? It all got a bit much.
Let’s think about a scenario. What follows next no way distracts from the seriousness of this but serves to show reality. If you interpret this as victim blaming then you have incorrectly interpreted me or I’ve been insufficiently clear.
You’re at a work do. You find yourself sat next to a director of the organisation you work for. He’s always seemed like a decent guy. He’s got photos of his wife and kids on his desk, brings in cake on Fridays and has just bought a round of drinks. Without acknowledging you, he puts his hand on your leg. Do you:
a) move your leg and stand up? He watches you silently walk away.
b) do and say nothing and hope he’ll remove his hand? Eventually he does.
c) say to him ‘remove your hand from my leg’? He shifts away, laughs and says he hadn’t realised his hand had slipped. A few people overhear and look down at the table. There’s nervous smiles so you get up and walk to the toilets. A colleague follows — saying the director is known to be ‘a bit of groper’.
The correct answer? I’m thinking that in most ways a, b and c may all result in the same thing. The director learns that no-one will really do anything, his power continues and he probably thinks he can get away with more next time. Cab sharing on the way home, your colleague says sorry for not telling you that the director ‘has form’. You get home — to rage, to cry, to maybe feel powerless and embarrassed. You dread Monday morning when you may see him but you’re a strong, powerful woman so will rise above it, tell your friends he’s a creep and say nothing else.
‘But he only touched my leg.’
You went to a work do to get to know your colleagues and to eat, chat, giggle and maybe dance and drink. He went a work do and did that because he thought (knew?) he could. He did that because he chose to. He did that because he wanted to. He did that without any notion of what you wanted, said, felt or thought. Or, if he did, you mattered not.
I want an answer which is right for me.
How the fuck is that women still have to put up with behaviour which results in #metoo? Why the hell do some men think they can behave like that? And why do people seem to stand by and do nothing?
This week a woman on Radio 4’s Today said she would feel bit flattered in that scenario so you can chose your own profanity to add here.
There’s no code of conduct which will stop the first time someone wants to behave like this. If someone has gone through life believing they have the right to control others then an employee induction or organisational cultural awareness day will not make a jot of difference.
I don’t know what the answers are but I’ll have a go*.
Don’t think you have to quiet and polite. Your discomfort shouldn’t be dismissed.
If you’re loud about your experiences you’re not an attention seeker. Don’t be shamed.
As much as you can, surround yourself with people who will listen to and hear you.
If you have power in your workplace to start discussions — start them now. Or at least start to plan careful discussions tomorrow.
Your organisation may ask for employee feedback about the coffee machine, working patterns or salary levels. Why not, with care, ask about experiences of harassment?
Don’t promote men you know behave like this.
Don’t hide complaints once they are proven and look for patterns of behaviour when they start to emerge.
Don’t be a bystander. If you see something wrong — call it out. If you’re unable to do so, and we’ve all been there, at the very least don’t laugh off harassment when you see it happen.
Don’t leave the person being harassed alone. Offer them a cuppa, take them for a walk — just do something so they know they are not alone.
And finally, if you wouldn’t want your mother, daughter, sister, hell any other human being to be treated this way — don’t do it. No bloody more.
*The answers are neither complete or perfect. I just want the focus to be on future change and not only the past.
