I’ve Been Searchin’ My Soul Tonight

In 1998, I was earning my master’s degree in Counseling, with the near-term goal of applying to Bay Area Ph.D. programs for fall of 1999 admission.

At that time, I was a mega-fan of Ally McBeal, a dramatic comedy about a quirky Boston lawyer and the entirely unconventional law firm where she worked: Cage & Fish. (Try to say the firm’s name aloud without laughing.) David Kelley, the show’s writer and producer, created a magical world of whimsy in which I wanted to live.

One night during grad school, a fellow Master of Counseling candidate and I had a friendly argument about which topics we thought our professor would cover on an upcoming exam. After I’d explained my understanding and provided my supporting evidence for that belief, my friend said, “I can’t believe you’re not a lawyer.”

My Ally McBeal obsession and our ensuing talk combined to abruptly steer my course. That night, I was certain I wanted to practice law, even though the field had not interested me at any prior time in my life.

With the benefit of hindsight, I know now that I really just wanted to work for Cage & Fish. Richard Fish’s nonsensical, often offensive, always hilarious one-liners — Fishisms, to the uninitiated — would by themselves cause me to bound out of bed excited for work every day. Alas, I’ve never worked in a firm where my boss said, “Promise not to go near her buttocks, even during holidays” or “It’s not just winning, it’s winning ugly that matters.”

Given the stark difference between David Kelley’s portrayal and the actual lawyer life, I think those of us who followed Ally McBeal into law school have a strong class action case. If we played that lawsuit out on the show, we would laugh our way through case prep and trial, then secure a comically huge judgment. We would even share a heartfelt, watershed moment at the end.

Since Ally McBeal got me into this line of work, I turn to her every time I need to feel better about it. I’ve re-watched the entire series multiple times over the past decade-and-a-half, with the last time being a few years ago. Tonight, I watched Season 1, Episode 1.

Ally, my friend, I’ve missed you. It’s good to see you again. In the words of wonderful Vonda Shepard: “I’ve been searchin’ my soul tonight; I know there’s so much more to life. Now I know I can shine a light to find my way back home.”