Why Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Buy You Flowers
Taking a look at the five love languages
Have you ever wondered why your husband doesn’t bring home flowers? Or why your girlfriend doesn’t like to hold hands while you’re walking in the grocery store?
Your partner rubs your back every night but doesn’t say “I love you” very often. They spend hours shopping with you but forget to compliment you when you step out in the dress you bought.
Maybe they write you love poems and bring you gifts, but they never offer to help you run errands or walk your dog. They shower you with compliments, but moan and groan if you ask them to stop multitasking while you’re watching television together.
You love spending time with your partner, but it really crawls under your skin when they ask you to do things that you see as “their responsibility.”
You love cuddling your partner, but the thought of writing them a romantic love letter fills you with existential dread and anxiety.
You both feel unloved.
Enter: The Five Love Languages
The Five Love Languages were developed by Gary Chapman. After observing couples in his marriage counseling sessions, he noticed that many people did not feel loved by their spouses even if they had an otherwise healthy marriage.
“He doesn’t tell me he loves me.”
“She doesn’t touch me enough.”
Chapman concluded that there are five basic ways people prefer to give and receive love.
Physical Touch: Cuddling, holding hands, massages, kissing, sex
Acts of Service: Walking the dog, taking out the trash, holding the door, making coffee/dinner, running errands
Quality Time: Dates, time alone without distraction, working on projects together
Words of Affirmation: Compliments, saying “I love you,” talking, texting, love notes, praise
Receiving Gifts: Bringing home flowers unexpectedly, bringing back a gift when you go on a trip without your partner, gifting even if it’s not a holiday
This means that you and your partner may have different love languages. If you want to find out your love language, you can take the quiz here.
Our Love Languages Are Different. Is the Relationship Doomed?
Not at all!
Your relationship isn’t over just because your primary love language is different. In fact, you may share secondary love languages.
For example, your partner may prefer “Physical Touch.” They like to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands often. You prefer your space and feel loved through Words of Affirmation.” You don’t understand why your partner doesn’t say “I love you” more often.
However, you both share “Quality Time” as your secondary love language.
Once you understand each other’s love languages, you can understand the ways that your partner expresses their love, even if it’s not the way you prefer to receive it.
You can spend more time focusing on the love languages you share and less time wondering why you don’t feel loved by your partner.
Meeting Your Partner Halfway
Once you know your partner’s love language, it’s up to you to make the effort to speak to them in their preferred language, even if it’s not your default.
Your wife would be elated with a love letter from you because her love language is “Words of Affirmation.”
Not only is it up to her to recognize and accommodate your love language, it is also your responsibility to step out of your comfort zone and speak to her in her preferred language every once in a while.
That’s just an example, but you get the gist.
Once you understand your partner’s love language, you can begin to meet each other in the middle and start expressing love in each other’s preferred languages.
Direct Communication: The Key Component
I’ve stressed the importance of direct communication in previous articles, and I think it’s a point worth repeating.
You’ve got to be able to tell your partner exactly what you want.
Even if they know your love language, they may still need some extra guidance.
If you want a love letter, tell them. If you want to cuddle more, let your partner know. No one can read minds, but direct communication fosters intimacy without misunderstanding.
If your partner knows your love language and you’ve communicated to them what you want, it’s likely they will be able to accommodate if you are willing to do the same for them.
Having a relationship with a partner with a different love language isn’t impossible, but it will take effort from both of you to generate the warmth and closeness needed for your bond to thrive.
