Dear Kids, I forgive you. Please forgive me, for I forgive myself xxx
Today I allowed myself to fully acknowledge that I was carrying some resentment towards my two year old son, and I believe it was negatively affecting our relationship, so I wrote him a letter of forgiveness, and it felt good. I highlighted how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, and how much my life had changed since having him, in mostly positive, but sometimes challenging ways. I forgave him and told him it wasn’t his fault, I asked him to forgive me, and then I forgave myself for having these feelings and thoughts.
Prior to today, I believed I was the forgiveness queen. I experienced what I call my car crash year in 2016 (not exactly a car crash but all my s#%t hit the fan and the after-math felt like a crash recovery). Following this trauma I dived head first into the world of personal development, and forgiveness played a significant role in healing my scars. I forgave all those involved in my “crash” and I moved on to forgive anyone else that I was holding any negative feelings towards. The hardest part I left for last, which was forgiving myself for any part I had played. Forgiving others felt like a release, and forgiving myself felt empowering and uplifting. So I got the forgiveness bug and it ranked as my top strength in a recent profiling test. I recognised it’s power and it made me feel so much more loving and peaceful and less anxious.
Given all this previous work, I was surprised to find forgiveness as a useful tool today when thinking of ways that I could improve my relationship with my two year old. At first I disregarded it as being irrelevant, but as I reflected on my own behaviour, I realised it would be benefial to give the letter writing a go. I’m yet to review my progress when faced with the next tantrum and 5am wake up call, but I can tell you that acknowledging and diffusing the resentment has left a yearning for more quality time with him, and I am looking forward to implementing all the other strategies I have come up with to help me stay more connected and present when engaging with my beautiful baby boy.
I believe it’s OK to acknowledge any resentment. I spent five years trying to conceive my youngest and whilst his arrival was a true miracle, I felt I had lost a large part of myself. And whilst the resentment was under the surface and not at first visible to me, it was still there, and it was distracting me from making the most of my precious time with him. After my crash year I wanted to reclaim me, find my passion again, build a new business, start a new career, change the world, have an impact. And whilst these things are still important to me, I realise I was detracting from the most important thing in my life – the care of my two year old. I still believe it is incredibly important for me to put my own life jacket on first – because if I’m not OK, he’s not OK, so, as with most things, it comes back to balance, and finding what works for both of us, and ensuring that there are clear boundaries between quality time for him, and quality time for me and my dreams.
Before I know it I’ll be resenting not having spent more time with him when I had the chance, so I’m glad I’m addressing this now.
This is my personal experience. If you think it might be useful then it’s so easy, just pick up a pen, grab your notebook, or a napkin and start writing, with love in your heart and without judgement. Just let it all out and see how you feel afterwards. And don’t forget to forgive yourself.

If you are feeling resentment that you can not let go of that is negatively affecting your parenting then you should seek support.
