I started gaining weight in middle school, which carried over to high school and then adult life.
I remember starting my first diet in the ’70s. Mom would make healthy lunches for me to take to school, and Dad would take me jogging to add exercise in the mix. But what did I do each day on my way home from school? I stopped off at Baskin Robbins for a hot fudge sundae.
I have been on almost every diet out there, and now that I am 57, I can see that every diet or exercise program I was on, I did it for everyone but myself.
Sure I lost a few pounds, but not only did the weight always found it’s way back to me, but it brought along extra ‘friends’ upon its return.
I tried to lose weight for my parents.
My mind told me, “no one wants to be embarrassed, walking alongside someone as fat as you.”
I tried to lose weight for school and friends.
My Dad was in the military, so changing schools every few years was part of growing up. It was hard enough being the new girl, but it was even harder when I was known as the fat, new girl.
I tried to lose weight for my future husband.
I was told on more than one occasion that if I wanted to get married someday, I would need to lose weight because no one wanted to be married to a fat person.
I tried to lose weight because society said I needed to.
Awww society. I have spent so much of my time trying to fit into the mold you prepared for me, but truth be told, for most of my adult life, I have been unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin.
“A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections.” ~ yung pueblo
It wasn’t until about five years ago, yes you read that right, it wasn’t until I was in my 50’s that I came to the place where I finally accepted me for me — weight, cellulite, wrinkles, and saggy flapping arms.
Finally accepting myself came at the right time, because shortly after menopause hit and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t drop a pound.
So I took that time to get comfortable being me. I learned to accept what my body could do, what it looked like, and fight hard against the ghosts of the past that have lived so long in my head.
It’s Been a Battle
“Heaven and hell are both within my being, which I choose to dwell in is up to me.” ~ yung pueblo
But today as I write this, I am dwelling in a good place. It is a place where I am now seeking out help and accountability for this next chapter.
This past Saturday, I went to a CrossFit gym and tried a free session.
It was hard.
It was nauseating.
It was an hour of my life where I felt physically weak, but emotionally strong and it left me feeling that regardless of my imperfections and limitations right now if I keep it up, I will get better.
Tomorrow, I go for my first official work out. It will be a one on one with a trainer who can help me stay on track, set attainable goals, and help me tone up this old body. After that, I will be going three times a week.
I am both excited and scared.
I plan to blog about this new journey as another way to stay accountable.
The posts will be real, raw, and at times, random about my experience.
I hope you’ll stop by and check up on me from time to time.
KatieMae is Retired Navy Wife, Writer, Encourager and believes in the power of kindness. She lives in Washington state with her husband and their two dachshunds. You can find her on Twitter @Katiemaeonline, or her website katiemae.online