Men Not to Fuck in 2k18

It could be argued that every year on this planet is an unmitigated shitshow. But, it feels like 2017—more than most—fit that title. We’re living in some sort of cryptofascist nightmare where my uncle wants to ask me about blockchain and the American president is a reality game show host (still). This is not what we were hoping for. (We also were hoping not to end a sentence on a preposition but c’est la vie.)

Regardless of the nightmare hellscape of the present, we’re all still bumping uglies. And, therefore, we must establish some sort of ground rules on how who we fuck, where we fuck, and why we fuck.

As always (?), my heteronormative as fuck list of men not to fuck. (All laws from 2016 and 2017 are still standing.)

  1. Dumpster Fire Daddies: I have some thoughts to share on word choice in the year of our dumpster fire 2018. So, let that sink in. Our world keeps shrinking as Disney buys Marvel and Marvel buys my mother and Nestlé fucks my dog. The internet is shrinking and so is your ability to hide from it, carve out space from it, avoid becoming one with the collective consciousness. We have very little that is ours, truly ours, in this world, but our linguistic capabilities need not be swept up in some sort of capitalistic terrorwave. Fuck a man who speaks differently. Fuck a man who speaks with purpose. Fuck a man who isn’t repeating a talking point at you. Fuck a man who uses the word “prodigious” or “fuckfisted” or “halcyon” in a way where you know exactly what he means. If you’re going to open your mouth, at the very least you should say something. (RT if you agree.)
  2. Any Man in My @ Replies, without Exception: This rule is certainly going to sweep in people I care about IRL and online! I’ve made friends, work connections, and stirred romantic feelings online. But, I hate to inform you, that you should not fuck anyone in my @ mentions, without exception. If you are a man and you are writing me on Twitter, you are doing it wrong approximately 98.4% of the time. If a man is great IRL and but seems like a real dweeb online, trust your gut. You may be able to fuck this man—but do it with caution.
  3. Men Who Are Doing Too Much: Men are constantly doing too much. They’re out in the streets making mountains out of molehills. Men are making sure that if you’re going to insult all men that you clarify that you are only talking about SOME MEN and SPECIFICALLY your ex so don’t you dare say that men are intimidated by standup comedians because I, a man, am 100% not and would be very comfortable dating a strong woman which is why I am writing you this EMAIL to let you KNOW that when you say “men are uncomfortable with women doing standup” I am NOT talking about you, no sir! YOU ARE VERY COMFORTABLE, as your email proves. Don’t fuck this man.
  4. Men Who Think They’re Doing Enough: As outlined in point 3, men are doing too much. But, because men are multi-faceted treasures, they also think they are doing enough! Men are so willing to tell you how they respect women and are good to their moms. But, then, you meet their friend Dave. And Dave? Wow, he has an impressive vocabulary with regards to female anatomy and women’s general purpose. And you realize, as if you have been struck, that this man is not doing enough but he sure thinks he is. Don’t fuck a Dave apologist.
  5. Men Who Won’t Listen to Your Bullshit: For years, without any real conscious consideration, I thought that my role, as a woman, was to listen about someone’s fantasy league while never outlining my own Bachelor-focused fantasy league. Don’t make my mistakes. Find a man who—although wholly uninterested in your opinions on how Twilight reflects on America and America reflects on Twilight—will carve out space to listen your random, unnecessarily gendered bullshit.
  6. Men Who Won’t Write You Letters: This one might be me-specific, but if you love me PUT IT IN WRITING. I want it on the record in 2018.
  7. Gliders: Does this man seem to glide through life as if untouched by its sorrow? Does he skim upon the ocean of emotion, without ever getting his feet wet? Do not fuck this man. As he has shielded himself from the realities of existence, will he one day shield himself from you when you become inconvenient, real, and sweaty.
  8. Any Man Who Mentions His Age Like That’s Something Relevant: Unless you are a child entrepreneur, it is not relevant to mention your age pretty much ever. So many men in 2017 released statements wherein they used their age as an excuse. They were 95 (too old to be responsible for their actions!) or 42 (too young to know better—just a baby, really!). Find a man in your age bracket and let him be held accountable for his actions in 2018.
  9. Tight Lips, Tight Purse: Men who won’t tell you how much they make are fucking you over. Wage transparency should be de rigueur in 2018.
  10. Cultists: Anyone joining a cult of personality in 2018 is not to be trusted. Does this man defend the actions of his favorite celebrity/podcast monster/best friend without any end in sight? Get him out of your life.

This list will be ongoing, because men keep being alive in new and terrible ways.

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