Double Standards are Toxic

I feel this rage inside me that never subsides. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. It’s a rage that has been given no outlet, it’s one that bubbles beneath the surface. I try to suppress it, but it emerges. It’s impossible to avoid it when it surrounds me and chokes me every chance it can.

I didn’t start to notice until I started being sexually active in college. I knew double standards existed, I knew womens sexuality had been oppressed since forever, but I wasn’t first hand experiencing it until I explored my own sexuality. I have casual sex, always have. I haven’t found someone who I want (or is available) to have a relationship right now. I’m young, twenty, and it doesn’t matter anyways. I’m sick of feeling like I need explanation.

I have been called a slut, a hoe, a whore. Mostly by men who either couldn’t have me or had me and I never returned. Most of these men were “players”. They slept with numerous women and never recieved any negative stigmatization because of it. Most of them also lied, cheated, and conned their way with women, which is something I didn’t do. Never were they labled a hoe or a slut. Never were they defamed. Never were they called “dirty”. They were allowed to be openly sexual. I wasn’t.

Dirty fingers pointed at me in judgement, hypocritcally ignoring their own hands. I was deamed worth less than a more pure woman. I had many men think that just because I had slept around, that I owed them sex and that I’d sleep with them. Men regarded me as a sex object. I wasn’t fully human. I was at their disposal. Men would want sex from me, but when I’d turn them down they would resort to name calling, prosecuting my sexuality.

I often wonder if they see their own hypocrisy. I got the message loud and clear; I wasn’t allowed to enjoy sex, have sex, or be sexual unless it is benefiting them. They want control over my body. They don’t want me to use my own power or recognize it. It isn’t fair, but no one seems to hear these screams.

I get it, its societal. It’s cultural. It’s engrained into young childrens heads. But it must change. As a girl, I learned to feel ashamed, gross, dirty, guilty, about any sexual desires or acts. As a woman, I own the same feelings. I feel oppressed. I want so desperately to be allowed to express and enjoy my sexuality.

I feel angry. I wan’t change for myself, my sisters, my friends, my mother and aunts, and for my future children. I wan’t change for the men, to recognize their role and also that they can be a part of the solution.

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