How not to check in on a pregnant woman
“Any news?”
“Has the baby arrived yet?”
“👩🍼??”
“Feeling any contractions?”
“Must be ready to pop any minute now, no?”
“When will they induce you?”
We’ve all done it. We can’t help ourselves. We are curious, excited, anxious, caring people and we want the pregnant women in our lives to know that we put their due dates in our calendars. We want them to know that we are thinking about them and rooting for them and speculating about their gestational status with our partners over dinner.
However, having now joined the legions of women who have been “overdue”, I think a brief Public Service Announcement is warranted — to save all the caring people of the world from ourselves. We must stop sending Check In messages.
First of all, there are the facts of the matter. Scientifically speaking, due dates are bullshit. Less than 5% of babies are born on their due date (or 4% according to the Perinatal Institute). If induction rates were lower, it might be even less.
Beyond the facts, there are also feelings involved. As excited and anxious as you might be about the baby’s arrival (and yes, grandparents, this includes you), no one wants the baby to come more than a woman who has been pregnant for over 280 days. Things that might make a woman anxious or nervous about birthing a baby (pushing a 10 centimetre thing out of a once 2 centimetre hole, for example) seem like exciting adventures after months of nausea, fatigue, reflux, limited mobility, insomnia, and muscle aches. Conversations about dirty nappies and bleeding nipples seem positively scintillating after weeks of nothing but “How many days left now?” “Are you excited?” (Don’t even get me started on Are You Excited.)
So, a practical tip: When you feel that irresistible urge to send the Check In message, send one of these instead:
- A funny youtube video
- A song you like
- An interesting article
- A relevant GIF, meme or cartoon
- A silly selfie
- An anecdote about your day
- A reminder to do a few kegels and to start taking a genlte laxative before going into labour (she will thank you later)
In short — the last example excluded — just send any kind of message that you would send to a normal person.
The benefit of this type of communication is that it accomplishes the same ends as the Check In, without adding to the time-pressure load of an already heavy-laden woman. Consider the three scenarios:
- If she does not reply, you will be left in agonising suspense wondering if she is in labour — which would also be the case if she did not reply to your Check In message. You’re no worse off.
- If she replies with a normal message (“lol” “wtf” “thanks for the tip!”) and doesn’t mention having given birth, you will know she is still pregnant.
- If she replies and does mention giving birth, you’ll know she’s had the baby AND that you weren’t on the A List to receive the news, which is also valuable intel. Go for the less expensive gift on the baby shower registry — you’re not as close to her as you thought.
Et voila. You satiate your curiosity while providing an entertaining distraction to a woman who needs reminding that the baby should be here soon like she needs a hole in her head.
