A 28-year-old woman has died a graphic, gruesome death after coming home on Valentine’s Day to discover her boyfriend bought her one of those two-tone sequined pillow thingies that changes color when you run your hand over it.
“She saw it at the store the other day,” the boyfriend, who wished to remain anonymous, said through sobs. “She played with it for, like, two whole minutes so I thought maybe I should get it for her for Valentine’s Day. I didn’t think-” The 26-year-old was then interrupted by a giant snot bubble under his right nostril and was rushed away by concerned family members.
It appears that, once the woman saw the two-toned sequined pillow thingy laying on her boyfriend’s bed with the phrase “I ❤ U” written into it, her eyes glazed over and she had some sort of a stroke.
She picked the pillow up and began to switch the sequins from pink to gold, back to pink, back to gold, then she made it half-gold, then all the way gold again, then half-pink, then back to gold but with pink lines, then back to pink but with gold checkers. Then she ran her nails across it to make it look like a tiger had slashed it. Then she swiped her whole hand across it really fast. Then she sloooowly swiped her hand in the other direction. Then she put some polka-dots. Then she drew a smiley-face. Then she smashed her own face up against it to see if that would do anything.
This may have been the moment when the boyfriend attempted to make romantic physical contact, but she shoved him away and began this sickening sequin sequence all over again.
And then again.
And then again.
…She never stopped.
At some point, she died.
“She’d only ever seen those things in the stores,” reveals the woman’s sister.
The two had recently gone on a girls-only trip to Amsterdam, where they were tempted many times to purchase a two-tone sequined product in one of the tourist shops. “You play with them in the store, maybe write a bad word on them for someone else to find, but you don’t go home with them.”
When questioned whether she blamed her sister’s boyfriend for her sister’s untimely demise, she stomped out her cigarette and immediately lit up another one. “All I’m saying is they need to educate kids about this in schools. That stuff is a serious health hazard.”
Two-toned sequined products have been on the rise since 2016, probably. The kids call them “flip sequins” and you can purchase them in the form of phone cases, t-shirts, skirts, dresses, shorts, and notebooks. The clothing is, of course, highly distracting. One person (so far) has pet themselves into a coma. Her dress had to be cut off and burned before first responders could focus on administering medical aid.
But perhaps, most concerning of all, are the products that are meant for snuggling in your bed — pillows, throw blankets, and pajamas.
“They’re not even comfy,” says one concerned parent on Twitter. “They’re scratchy and they leave marks in your skin. What do I do, #mamas? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks. Love, Kathy.”
Perhaps the regrettable death of this silly-ass woman on Valentine’s Day will serve as a cushion-ary tale to others about the dangers of “flip sequins”.
The United States Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued the following statement:
“If your natural survival instinct can’t warn you away from something so brightly colored, unnaturally shiny, and suspiciously satisfying to touch, you probably shouldn’t live in the rainforest.” -USCPSC
The scary part is… she didn’t.