When Divorce is at your door. Part 11.

An ongoing series in my journey of separation.

Yesterday was six weeks. This is significant because six weeks was how long he originally wanted to be separated for. Six weeks is the pivotal point at which one of his friends decided to turn back toward his wife in his separation. Six weeks is basically half-way. But he also predicted to me, “I don’t think I’ll give this a real chance in six weeks.”

He was right. I don’t think he’s giving this a chance. He’s still saying things like, “When I get caught up on all this work, then I’ll…”. It’s always something, isn’t it? We all have lives. We all have burning lists and inboxes that keep growing; kids that need fed, and clothed, and bathed, and entertained. We make time for what is important. How you spend your time is a direct visual for what you think is important.

Through these last six weeks, my kids have learned they are not as important to me as they were. Now, don’t think I’m a bad mother; on the contrary, revolving my life around theirs is not healthy for any of us, and now I’ve seen that and made a change. I take time for myself every day. Maybe I sit and write, or journal, or read, or listen to podcasts, but I take time for me and I tell them it is their time to entertain themselves. And they do just fine. Better boundaries have made us all better. I love the changes I feel and see in myself.

I feel like I’ve grown up. I actually feel like an adult now, and before I really wasn’t sure. I felt like I was a kid playing at being a grown-up. Now I have grown into myself, and feel a great sense of freedom and lightness in that; no more pretending.

What has he done? He’s worked. I know he has worked a lot. He’s exercised. And he’s gone out drinking. I don’t think he’s grown up. Obviously, I don’t know what he’s thought about and hasn’t, but through some wisdom of older friends, and my own observations, I’m seeing that it’s quite possible that the only thing he’s thought about is how to leave — not how to stay. I thought he was just hurt, but questioning, but now, after six weeks, I wonder if he has just buried his head in the sand because growing up and facing this is too much work…and on top of a company that is all work, that’s just too overwhelming.

What I do know for sure at six weeks is that it’s not me. This marriage and life and all the dreams attached to it — it doesn’t fall apart because of me. I am here, doing the work, making the change, investing in the future. He’s not here. If he walks away, that’s all on him at this point.

That’s a tough reality to accept. That not only may my marriage end, but the man I loved is gone. I’m keeping that fear at bay the best I can; I’m reading over old love notes he’s sent me and being reminded of how big his heart is; I’m looking at old pictures of us and remembering the moments in between; I’m reading blog posts he’s written and hearing his voice. He is still in there, but I don’t know what it will take to make him remember who he is…or even if he will in another six weeks.

One day at a time is really the only way to get through this. Do what I can each day. Hold on to the truth that a lot can happen in one day, or “how a single word can make a heart open.”