When Divorce is at your door. Part 7.

An ongoing series in my journey of separation

What is the purpose of fear? It is a warning that you feel threatened; it is how we protect ourselves. In situations such as a gun being pointed at you, the purpose of fear is obvious and helpful . . . but what about emotional fear? It is much more complex and difficult to dissemble. For me, my fears rise mostly out of the basic idea that I can’t know or control anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors, or actions (obviously I mostly mean my husband’s).

Some days the fears are quiet. We had another gym “date” yesterday. I was exhausted, but I wanted to be there. He was running a little late, so I chatted with the girl at the front desk, who was sweet and positive about our situation (yes, I told her, because everyone is always confused why we do not arrive anywhere together if we’re married). She said something about it being really nice of me to go all the way downtown at 6 in the morning, just to go back home after (it’s at least an hour of driving), and I replied, “He’s worth it.” And I realized, that I actually completely believe that.

I’ve held a lot of bitterness for what he wasn’t giving me in our marriage, and have behaved with an attitude that love needs to be earned. But it doesn’t. It’s a choice to love, and something in me has shifted. I’m not saying I love everything he’s doing or how he’s doing it, but I love him, with all his flaws. He’s worth it.

This is where my fears come in. I realized I’m not just saying things because I think they’re the right things to say, and I’m not just fighting for this marriage out of stubbornness. I have a broken heart that I still want him to have. He hurt me terribly, and I’ve chosen to give him the chance to do it again. Every day. The fear is that he will do it again.

My fear is borne of my vulnerability — it’s a scary thing to trust and forgive someone who has hurt you. The fears tell me that every thing I see as hope is a trick: he told me he sees a positive change in me; he called me this morning on his drive over and talked a little like we used to; he hugs me. All these things give me hope, but also grow my fear: is he finding comfort in the idea of a future where I have changed so that we can amicably divorce and co-parent? Or he is softening and wondering if we can actually be happy?

Today was a good day. I spent time with friends being energized, and he spent time being a parent. I love seeing the changes in him. I love that he is getting a regular opportunity to be alone with the kids. For most of our marriage, he has been more of an occasional baby-sitter. Now, he’s feeling some real responsibility: going grocery shopping for dinner, making sure nap time happens, helping the kids with homework. It’s amazing to me. He has always loved our kids and had fun with them, but I’ve always felt like the mom to everyone. Today I felt like I had a partner who had my back.

When I got home, the kids were all ready for bed (this is the first time that happened on one of his nights). It was a relief. He’s already growing out of just being “fun dad” and that made him even more attractive to me. I’m trying to focus on that — on the good. He also had all his things ready to go, and he left without a hug, which felt disappointing. Then again, a whole day being a parent can be exhausting; maybe that’s all it was.

Fear. Not knowing the why of every action. It’s real. And it’s real frustrating.

My solution: forgiveness. It’s a powerful weapon against these emotional fears. Forgiveness doesn’t stop the pain from happening, or necessarily stop the pain at all. What it does, is believe that the future is better than the past. It lets go of the past for that future. That’s what I want. All this mess that’s happening now can be a catalyst for a future that is undeniably different and beautiful.