There is no Mr/Mrs Right, just a matter of choice, and maybe a bit of luck.
With all my articles revolving around the topic of love, the main thing that really stuck with me is that relationships aren’t easy. Effort is needed, and as much as we like to think we shouldn’t change, we forget that if we want to continue to be with someone else, you have to let yourself evolve. Not everyone realize that you can change and still be yourself — it’s called growth. This goes all the way back to your own personal choice on whether or not to take the leap of faith.
Why should I go into a relationship with anyone? Is it even needed? Many mental blocks ahead that prove to be rather tricky even for myself:
1) Is he/she for real?
Losing one’s identity when merging into a single unit is the worst thing that can happen in any types of relationship. Some went as far as compromising their own values to “get to the goal” of whatever it can be (Marriage; Kids). As described by Robert Firestone:
The Fantasy Bond is an illusion of connection many couples form at some point in their relationship. It differs from real love in that sincere acts of kindness are replaced by routine; couples enter into this scenario without even realizing it, as a means to feel a false sense of security, an illusion of fusion or ‘oneness.’
A Fantasy Bond has a deadening effect on a relationship, as two partners start to control each other and limit each other’s worlds.
The beauty of relationships is when both individuals set a solid foundation for the relationship, expand it, build it further and explore together. Relationships have unbelievable sacrifice/compromise of our aliveness as individuals, but we can avoid it if we pay attention to our own feelings, and show up as ourselves. Freedom together is not all too far fetched.
2) Lack of Reciprocation
I did give dating a chance — It doesn’t hurt to know people and perhaps, make some friends along the way.
The only way I see how adult friendship would work is to have a commonality — similar interest or activity to hang out doing what you or themselves love. Going outside of it requires a lot of effort unless there is strong chemistry going on already.
Afraid of rejection? If you’re questioning “What ifs”, it’s best not to half-ass your attempts and do what you want. The worst that could happen is just having to walk away from someone who is not interested in you at all. Failure is always an option; Any result IS a result. It’s really up to how you frame it.
If you think the stage of having both parties being equally interested in one another the hardest, wait till you are faced with emotional unavailability.
3) Facing Emotional Unavailability
Getting to know people, however due to bad timing or weather, may set up to paths of emotional unavailability from the potential partner.
And before you know it, you reboot to the beginning to try again and make new friends, going through the whole process of HEY NICE TO MEET YOU. How fun is that? The tricky part is you’ll never know if the other person is emotionally available due to the fantasy bond created. It takes emotional maturity and experience to pick up the hints.
The constant refusal to be vulnerable due to past hurt means you’re not ready. Compromising everything and having a false image to create a fantasy bond would just lead to devastating consequences. If you’re up for just friendship, set the boundaries and expectations right. Never push a loyal friend to a point they no longer give a damm. Never make anyone a fallback plan.
4) The dreaded small talks
All the above can be tackled easily if people just communicate efficiently. But that would mean being vulnerable, and not everyone is comfortable with that idea.
Talk big people, don’t waste time on weather and the news — go Reddit for those. A good place to start would be to attempt the 36 questions to get to know a someone in a more intimate setting.
5) Comfort within your own skin
After a decade of being in relationships without any breaks, I find myself being alone, single, at the age of 30. I was so used to sharing my life and having someone around me, to be honest I was lost. That is when I realized, I had all the time in the world to invest in myself.
I reflected and surprisingly appreciate more of what I have become. The sudden ample time blessed upon me allowed myself to be surrounded by friends and families — they are people whom you can share your life with.
It is not as scary as it sounded out to be, as long as you’re enjoying being alone with yourself, you will enjoy and too, be an enjoyable companion to others.
What’s left is to meet different people from different walks of life.
If I could find someone that believes that there is no right situation or right time while sharing the same goals and want similar things in life, the only thing to do is to make an effort. It’s not rocket science.
“The times that you take to wait. For all the things that you need. Are the times that you’ve wasted”
Is relationships even needed? If you’re asking that question, you basically haven’t find the person that makes you not question it. When you want something, there is no reason for a need, simple as that.
“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to the need of you. Once their need changes, so does their loyalty.”
The first effort has to come from ourselves. Meet someone who won’t make you question your thoughts or feelings. Sometimes it’s easy to logic your way out of things, but never let your heart compromise with ‘what ifs.’
We think we deserve better, or better people will come along. We don’t settle because we think the right one is still out there. Don’t get trapped by dogma thinking about what’s right or wrong from others. We settle because we know we are ready, want it and trust our own judgment.
TL;DR: There is no right one. Choose someone who is willing to take the risk themselves with you, because you would do the same. We cannot promise eternity, but only hope for the best. There is no forever, but when you put your heart into it, all’s well ends well.
Until then.