I’m a liar and I need to stop.
Do you watch the show New Girl? If you don’t, that’s okay, but it makes me giggle so much! There is an episode where a character named Winston, who is my favorite, gets a panic attack. When someone pointed out his panic attack, he said “panic attack? No way! This is just the willies.” It was a cute little funny illustration about how this grown man made it into adulthood without even realizing that he had regular panic attacks, because his whole life, he called it “the willies”. Well, my friends, throughout my life, I have often struggled with what I’ve called “the sads”.
Recently, I was at a social gathering with some loved ones, celebrating a friend of ours. I was laughing, celebrating, dressed up all fancy (looking real cute too, I might add.) It was a beautiful party and a joyous occasion.
But privately, I was texting a friend of mine under the table about what a difficult time I was having emotionally. I was telling him that I was tired in a way that can’t be fixed by sleeping. That I wouldn’t necessarily call myself depressed, but there are days that I wish I could just skip over for no reason other than that sometimes just walking through life is so exhausting that I have to go to the bathroom and cry for a second or two. And that it’s not even connected to bad days. Sometimes on the most beautiful days, filled with love and laughter and friends, I just want to disappear. Sometimes, just being me is too much work.
And I hugged everyone and thanked them for including me in this gorgeous celebration, and went home and made an Instagram post about how #blessed I am. I thought nothing of it. The next day was better and the day after that, I was back to normal. That’s how it works with the sads. They’re not permanent. And so I was a bit shocked a few days later, when I was speaking to this same friend on the phone, and he said, “Katrinah, I gotta call BS on you. That photo you posted on Instagram was garbage and you know it.” And he wasn’t saying it was an ugly photo, cause like I said, I looked real cute that day. He was calling me out for what I was doing on social media.
I was lying. And I didn’t even realize.
And it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I suppose it would be even worse if I was all over social media posting “SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE DRIVING MY CAR OFF THE SEASIDE BRIDGE!”
But there is a balance, isn’t there? I don’t need to air my dirty laundry on the Internet (although maybe that’s what I’m doing right now, but who cares this is my blog, shut up.) But I can also be honest. I do not have it all together. In fact I have it all very, very untogether.
I can tell the truth. That sometimes I get the sads. And that the sads don’t always look like three days in bed not being able to get up and go to work. Sometimes the sads look like living a really normal life. Sometimes the sads look like a girl dressed up laughing with her friends. The sads look like a person going to work, working hard and making money. But the sads are invisible. The sads can live in a person who is telling a really funny story in front of a group of people, but on the inside feels so alone.
So I think the way for me to deal with these invisible sads is to make them visible. To tell the truth. That sometimes I get the sads. And I don’t want to lie about it on social media to get affirmation. And don’t get me wrong, I love Instagram. I love seeing what my friends are doing and sharing my photos. But maybe sometimes my photos can be more honest.
So thanks for reading this rant. So many people suffer things in silence. And they suffer things way worse than a case of the sads. All I’m saying is that no one should have to suffer alone. If we were all a little more honest, maybe we could all support each other a little better. So I’m committing to be a bit more honest with how I feel. Because I want you to do the same. Because I don’t want you to walk through pain alone. Burdens are much lighter when we carry them together. So let’s carry them together.
K bye ❤️