Thank you, Penny! After I wrote to you the first time — I thought “I am too weird, she won’t speak to me” — everyone has their internal “truths”.
Thank you for reminding me, yes, when I say I admire something specific in him — it does work, every time, and I didn’t know it could also build up.
What concerns the anger — he gets angry when I admire him in ways he doesn’t trust. I am angry at the moment, you are right, for the first time, mostly with myself, as I consider myself weird but intelligent, and I cannot understand why I fail.
Yes, you are absolutely right — when I admire in him things he doesn’t yet hate, it does work, immediately, always. I only didn’t know this could build up and get internalized, this is exactly what I needed to hear today. You are brilliant! And I no longer feel lost.
May I ask another important question?
If someone’s idea of life is “don’t fight, it will only get worse, just close your eyes”, and this strategy has indeed been the only adequate one for decades, but now I have found people from all over the world (extreme situation) who can offer him a real choice — if you were me, what would you do to show him that things change, and that choosing has now become an option? If at the same time his starting to make choices will at least temporarily complicate his relationship with his parents, I mean most parents would prefer an eternal child, even over 30, yet what would make someone’s parents stay proud of him even when he insists on making his own choices? Everyone needs to be loved by their parents, or at least not to be reminded they aren’t.