Dear MAGA-hat wearing student*,
You’ve woken this morning to a new world, a public world, because of a momentary decision to act like a bully in a place where these actions were filmed. You taunted an elderly man who was also exercising his right to free speech. The footage of you is literally all over the world and seen by hundreds of millions of people. We live in an angry world. You are no doubt being inundated by hate right now — hate mail, death threats. Your school will be swarmed by media and protest, maybe your own neighborhood and home.
But we also live in a world where a large group of people will embrace you for your actions, they will encourage you, lift you up, give you job offers — for your public act of mocking someone who appears very different than you.
So, I am about to ask something crazy of you in this crazy world. Just for a moment, would you tune this all out and ‘listen’ to me for a minute. Why me? Who the hell am I? I’m a regular mom with kids not much younger than you. But I am also a social worker, who has worked in death, dying and grief for 16 years. And this has given me what they call, PERSPECTIVE. My perspective is that we all spend too much time and energy on BULLSHIT that will not matter when we are dead. All this public brouhaha about you won’t matter when you are 90 years old on your death bed. What will matter is the way you assess your life. Were you kind? Did you bring happiness and love to others? Did you make amends when you did something wrong? Did you grow to make your world bigger or did you get smaller and more rigid? One day…it’s hard to believe, but you must…you will reflect on these things and you have the power to make choices that do not satisfy fleeting whims, but that will be your sustenance at the end of your life.
I wonder so much what caused you to smirk for so long at that man. I remember feeling uncomfortable with different people when I was younger, but you really seemed to hate him and everything he represents. You wanted to intimidate him (or try). You looked at him with hate and derision in your eyes. I am guessing it had something to do with his dress and his drumming. I wonder why it is that the expression of differences makes some people angry. One thing I learned in my first social work job is that anger ‘is a tooth with two roots; fear and sadness.’ This always made sense to me when I thought about times I am angry or enraged. When I get really angry at my kids, I know that underneath I am afraid for them, or sad for them. Or afraid or sad that I’ve done something in my parenting that isn’t helping them. What if you just ask yourself why you feel sad or afraid? It really isn’t terrible to talk with yourself with precise and deep honesty. It gets easier the more you do it.
If I had advice to give, it would be these things:
- Stop taking stuff personally. It looks like you take it personally that people who are different from you want to speak about their differences or celebrate their culture. It’s not about you — let it go. Same with all the insanity surrounding your actions. Now this is more subtle…this is about you, but it’s also not about you. Your image represents something bigger in our culture now. Let the dogs fight over the bone. It’s not you. Don’t be fooled or allured by the fame and notoriety that will be thrown at you.
- Now, my second bit of advice. I believe most people are basically good and want to do good (not ALL, but most). I’m going to assume you’re in the majority despite the ugliness of your actions. Check in with yourself, your gut, your soul. What kind of person do you want to be? What decisions will you make that will make your adult children say, “Our Dad is a good man.” Let that lead you.
- Finally, every day try to love someone else the way God loves them. This is what I did when I worked in hospice, and probably what transformed something in me. The world has so much hurt, people die and we will be left. Everyone has lost someone. Everyone deserves love and comfort and understanding. Try to extend that to one person a day. Try to extend that to everyone you meet. You will have a good life. You will change the world for the better.
In peace,
A Mom
*I don’t know your name — I think names are important, and I want you to know that I don’t see you just as this hat and this image.
