2/28/17: Unpacking

We are taking a breather from the booze in March. I’m actually very excited. I’m hoping I’ll be able to feel a difference but I also know that one month isn’t much time. If nothing else, I hope to come away with some insight and the chance to observe myself and gain a glimmer of understanding. Thats not too much to ask for, is it?

My family struggles with alcoholism, or maybe its dependency, but whatever you want to call it, I’ve seen it’s effects. I’ve seen it cloud judgment and become a crutch in hard times. I’ve also seen it, or more like felt it, create dance parties in the kitchen and late night talks on the porch with a shared cigarette between generations. I have conflicting feelings about it. Which I guess is why its a good time to take a step back and watch.

I’ve always resisted going cold turkey, yes out of fear, but also, just not wanting to. But currently, I’m ready for an experiment. I’m in a deep moment of self-realization and trying to figure out who is my best self, and where do they keep hiding?

You might be able to tell, but I started therapy about a month ago. She is not my first, so I’m aware that first months are always the “unpacking”. I pretty much come into the office and verbal dump all over her. I’ve never been one to hold back. While this is not my first time in therapy, its been more enlightening than times before. I’m able to come in with my honest feelings and reflections and say them out loud, to someone else. And she helps me out of my shame spiral.

Alcohol has come up a few times. My relationship to it, my parents’ relationship to it, my relationship to my parent’s relationship to it. There is a lot to unpack there.

We talk about therapy things. Parents, siblings, partners, exes, partner’s exes, anxieties. I’m painfully aware when I sit across from her that I am definitely not in crisis or mentally ill or really suffering all that much and I can’t help but wonder about the money. But, then again, I do cry in each session, so maybe none of that is true and this is a bargain.

We focus on my insecurities that have come up since getting into a serious relationship. How they come out? I’m very uncomfortable with weakness and I strongly dislike being the one with ‘issues’ in the relationship.

I’m essentially a walking cliche. I compare myself to everyone in his past. I compare myself to him and his complete ease in navigating this commitment. I compare myself to myself from the past. Was I always like this?

Relationships have the most amazing effects on us. I think because, for me at least, they are the most meaningful part of life. I don’t worry about my career, I just do it and find things that I like, and its really all worked out for me. If I were to get fired, its their loss. But, getting dumped… yes, of course it is their loss too, but I feel it so much deeper and it has stuck with me forever. I guess thats what I’m still unpacking.

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