PornHub and Chill

Credits: Twitter

A friend of mine from the ages of half past four morning preps, highly invasive Saturday inspections and love letters described me as a guy who lives online on a recent post on his blog (https://thisissteveblog.wordpress.com/). (You guy I expect a cheque for unsolicited marketing) Well I want to declare before the full glare of the cameras that this could not be any further from the truth *insert Olivia Pope voice and theatrics*

Yes I spent a considerable amount of my time on the interwebs but I also take time off to grab something to eat and fulfill my slave duty of taking a bath. During the day I will turn on my holier-than-thou attitude and browse through social media taking precious time to roll eyes at social media political and human interest affairs “experts”. Later I will be busy replying WhatsApp messages. To cap it all off I will make sure I amass enough weaponry of the future in the form of these devilish screenshots. Side bar, don’t we all wish there was a way we could delete damaging screenshots stored on other people’s phones? I kid you not I know a lady who will never become a high level public servant given the amount of screenshots I have on her. One of my fuckboy friends should be careful to never piss me off or my fingers might slip and I unleash a few choice screenshots online. What a time to be alive; we are more afraid of people spilling tea than monetary blackmail.

Away from all of that digression, in one of my many excursions online I took a trip to Craigslist. This is your usual humdrum ads site but with some added seasoning. Skip all that poppycock about job opportunities and items on sale. Click the personals link and enter into a whole new world of my kind of people. Fortitudinous perverts. People seeking casual encounters, strictly platonic carnal relations, women seeking men, women seeking women, men seeking women and men seeking men. Stop faking that disgust and you are yet to delete your all too colorful three A.M browsing history.

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On a good day I bet on one of my family jewels that you will find an ad calling for expression of interest in acting porn and by a good day I mean any day. Before you cross yourself and pull that enyewe dunia inaisha line it is imperative that for purposes of full discretion, I have to add that they offer a compensation of whooping forty five thousand shillings. Ati I should repeat the URL again?

Think about it; they don’t show your face, you get paid a nice figure, an opportunity to bone your frustrations away, act upon your less than normal sexual fetishes and be on film. It’s a combo win situation if you ask me; in addition if the ancestors bless you might get a reality TV deal. Need I exemplify how Kim Kardashian made her family reality TV royalty all while on her fours? Promise me however that you will do a better job than what the psychologically disturbed cum dumb ladies are doing on Nairobi Diaries. Cum Ha! See what I did there?

What drew me to this ad was its bluntness and objectivity. Let’s pretend I have fulfilled Ezekiel Mutua’s moral standards by saying reader discretion is advised. Here goes;

PornHub and Chill, Lets be adults about this
Let’s be real ladies, sometimes you don’t want a good guy, you don’t want a submissive guy who can’t dominate you. You want to be put in your place like a bitch know you do J Sometimes you only want to get in the house and get naughty for the whole weekend with a bad ass man who knows what to do and where to hit it and at the same damn time who make you appreciated. No morals, no small talk, no cooking just take out, vodka, good f*cking and sleeping. Want this with a clean, sexy and stylish man? Holla at me and let me put you in your place *over 27 yrs. and *independent boss ladies only because I’m a boss too

Did I mention that attached was a photo of a nude woman tied in ways that leave you wondering whether she is in the mood for sex or wants to take a dump.I know online feminists are typing furiously calling for the arrest of this awesome soul who has dared demean women? They will dub him unAfrican, uncouth and one who puts to shame all the advances made towards women empowerment. They will also sneak in a mother related line but I have a one thousand one hundred and twenty nine strong member Facebook group willing to attest that a little pinching and whipping never hurt a soul.

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Anal beads, dildos, strap-on and harnesses, collars and leashes among other paraphernalia are on sale all over this city, they are online and get this; they can be delivered right to your doorstep or office. That is if you are into the office kind of thing. Is bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism slowly becoming mainstream? In as much as we want to blame Fifty Shades of Grey for the growth in its popularity we have to be honest that we all knew that sooner or later we would click that tab on blue sites, I mean look at the stark difference between the LGBT community abroad and the same version in Kenya. All we have is a bunch of post high school kids who watched one too many gay porn videos and wanted to try it out.

Many of these subtle ladies walking to their depressing secretarial jobs often wonder how it would feel if Tim from accounting was to have his way with her forcibly but with passion on the boss’ desk one evening or how Grace the tough Finance exec would submit to her in cuffs and leashes. It does not mean that she is mentally unstable.In fact studies have refuted your retrograde thinking that kinky people are mentally and emotionally unstable.The same way most people won’t admit to watching porn especially the “weird” kind, no one will admit to wanting an element of force and danger in their sex life but are too afraid to try it after all the high standards set by moral police.

I say this to you don’t let them stop you. We don’t frown upon sex before marriage, ogling at lush behinds and breasts or bulging eggplants. Neither do we disapprove of twenty eight year old ladies engrossing themselves in the wonderful world of Mills & Boon although we know they are famous for publishing romantic literotica. We have slowly by slowly accepted cheating so who is to say if Maurice Matheka wont launch BDSM classes given the pretty banged up job he did at training the spasmy art of hokey pokey.

So hey bold chic, just because you like your chicken sweet does not mean you cannot try out sweet and sour chicken. To kick start you how about you order some from our wonderful friend on tzptb-5586309579@pers.craigslist.org.

Don’t forget to write to me about it or better yet let’s set up an anonymous interview.

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