I. 地震 (the ground shaking)

early morning and a tight chest, vivid dreams and desperation. the weak light that comes through the window manages to calm me down, but only for a split second. then i see the tiny webs of infinitesimal and supposedly meaningless - or maybe meaningful - connections that we still share, that i can’t ever get away from. signs and proof of what used to and still is, in many ways, real. tasteless coffee. i remember when i used to believe you’d stay, you didn’t even flinch. every time i feel the ground shaking beneath my feet it’s a little harder, but also a little more stable. every time you seem to care more and it doesn’t make sense. i can’t remember the last time you messaged me good morning before today. i can’t remember when we’ve ever had a real conversation, when you’ve ever actually cared about what i care about. i remember we’ve talked books once, because they mean a lot to me, and for a moment i felt seen, as if you were the only parameter to being seen, as if you were the only one who could ever see me. i was more wrong than i could ever guess back then, because you’ve never seen me. ever. you saw the fictional, perfected version of me that you’ve worked so hard to build, though you’ve admittetly only worked so hard on this because you also had this fucked-up image of me in your head. you’ve tried to save me by telling me there was no saving me, and i have never asked you for any of this. even now i catch myself working hard to make you proud even though there’s nothing wrong with me, but you always make me feel wrong about myself. inherently broken and inadequate, could never find the fucking fit. and it’s all my fault, too. you will never see me for what i am, and even if you did you wouldn’t like it. and i’m sure you’ve realized all of that by now, and i am aware that this is all a pathetic attempt at actually trying, though i’m sure you’ll get scared off long before we can ever work on anything. it’s about time you make up your mind - either you bury it or you endlessly meddle with it. all you’re doing right now is fucking burying me.