psychotic ramblings

he's sicker than i am. it's a real thing, a real issue, several neurological diagnoses i can't justify or even begin to understand, derealizing daily, ignoring his psychosis, taking care of everyone else. being schizoaffective or whatever diagnosis they throw at me along with a thousand comorbid ones mean absolutely fucking nothing compared to his trembling hands, his actually fucked up brain. i can't justify my own diagnoses to myself because in the end it's all in my head. i'm pretty sure the hallucinations are real, but "real" means nothing by now, reality is an illusion in and by itself. i've ruined and am ruining everything and all i know is that i can't sleep. no one seems to be able to grasp this part. i'm not allowed to sleep because i need to make sure all of the world's physical metaphysical subjective imaginary boundaries, its very atoms, stay intact, or at least as intact as they can. i know it's my responsability and no one seems to understand how crucial this whole thing actually is. i just gotta do it, and i can't remember the last time i actually gave in. it's easier to manage when i'm high and that's probably the only reason i insist on doing line after line after line after line after line but i'm running out and then what? what am i supposed to do? every time i try to explain they tell me to give in and sleep. they don't get it, but then again how could they? neither do i, right? and i need help too, i need someone to take care of me every now and then but i'm also tired of being cared for i'm tired of being a burden i'm tired of being everyone's dagger i'm tired tired i'm tired. tired. it's stupid. why am i so terrified all the time? when did it all start? why can't i make them understand? there's always something more important going on and that's the truth, i'm not being petty. who the fuck cares about my absolute, overwhelming, paralyzing terror? my constant psychosis? i've gotten so good at hiding, i've gotten so good at pretending, at interacting as if i were perfectly sane, of course i don't need help. i can't give in. i'm so fucking tired — exhausted — all the time. but i pretend i'm not, hide my terror, and by four in the morning i realize there's absolutely no one i could call anymore. i always end up completely alone, completely terrified, night after night, because i gotta stay awake while everyone else sleeps just fine. i'm tired of this weight on my shoulders. i'm tired of trying and nothing works i'm tired of the thousand meds i've tried to no avail, i'm tired of psychiatric stays, i'm tired of having no answers besides being clinically insane and what the fuck kind of excuse is that anyway? i'm tired of being lost and completely, utterly alone. i know people would argue that i'm not alone anymore but of course i am because i am the only one who's not allowed to sleep, ever. i'm the one pretending i'm not seeing shit i'm the one ignoring the static and the screaming inside my head going on and on and on and on and on and acting fine the entire time. so i am, indeed, alone. and tired, i'm so tired. i just really want to get some rest.

but i can't.

and i'm desperate.