Eating Disorder Cycle
The cycle is what keeps you up at night. The constant worry about pounds and what’s in your stomach. The hope that you got every last bit out with the last purge. Only the morning weigh-in can confirm such a thing.
Waking up in the morning is hard. Your body feels as though it’s glued to the bed. In fact, you don’t even want to wake up. You don’t want to face the day. It would be easier to spend the day in bed hiding from life and society. There’s one thing that makes you peel yourself out of bed, and it’s that weigh-in.
A lot rides on this moment: self-worth, how much exercise you will need to do today, how much food can be consumed. It feels like a game, coffee for breakfast from 711, along with a package of fat free candy that you can suck on throughout the day to keep your hunger down. When you get home, it’s go time. Packing in twinkies, donuts, cookies, and whatever else you can find in your mouth. After the sinful binge, there’s one thing left to do. You have to! There’s no way you can sit with this full feeling and be okay.
Euphoria sets in and your belly is empty. “No more food today”, you say to yourself, but let’s be honest, you’re still hungry. You settle for a salad, plain with no dressing. It’s unfulfilling, If you could be normal.
Nights are the worst. Food screams your name and the only way to get far enough from the voices is to get away from the kitchen. Maybe, if you go to sleep, the voices will disappear. Your medication is waiting for you to be sedated into a “restful” night sleep, except, you can’t help notice that odd things happen in the night that you don’t remember doing. Some mornings you wake up with an entire eaten package of crackers sitting next to you on your night stand.
Throughout the day you are thinking about that package of crackers. The punishment, no food today, only coffee and diet coke.
This life is the cycle. How long can you live like this? How long can you pretend that everything is okay?
People are starting to notice the trips to the bathrooms, and how food seems to make you uncomfortable. Your energy is low and you are dehydrated, but there’s nothing to do about it because you refuse to admit that you have a problem. Admitting you might need help leaves a sour taste in your mouth. The fear of gaining weight keeps you from admitting the truth. You are in that downward spiral, who knows when you will hit the bottom.