11/12/15 — Real.

I honestly don’t give myself enough credit where it’s due. I’m quite honestly, negativity aside, a catch. I have my shit together, I’m fun/ny, alright to look at and talk to, etc., but I tend to settle for less than what I truly deserve.

I may not be the most independent woman, but I try. I see my flaws and try to work on them. I’m a giddy little school girl when it comes to crushes. I love cliches, romance, passion, as well as crazy spontaneous-ness. I guess it’s no wonder why I always have people practically worshiping me. But the side you think you see, is anything but “great”, “lovely”, “amazing”, or “wonderful”.

For every other person, I give great advice, but I never follow my own. I’m positive for others, harshly negative on myself. I doubt myself and I’m severely hard on myself. I struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, GAD, depression, and a mild case of OCD and maybe even perhaps ADHD/ADD (not fairly diagnosed), since I was a kid, for as long as I can honestly remember. I stick my neck out on the line for numerous people that couldn’t give a damn about me. I never forgive and I never forget. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I find it hard to cope with difficult situations I guess. I either sleep, drink, smoke, or walk away from my life problems, very solemnly approaching them head on. My hopes are always set way too high, so I constantly let myself down. I feel like people don’t even want to take the time to get to know me; just in between my legs and onto the next one. I’m looking for courage at the bottom of this bottle. Can’t find it here, maybe the next one.

My entire life was me bringing myself up and caring, relying, on myself. Yeah, I have great parents that mean the world to me, but when it came to life, nothing helped, they didn’t, no one did. Hence, in this case, I’m extremely independent. Over time, I’ve come to realize you truly have no one to depend on but yourself, your thoughts, your life. You can create a mask, an extraordinary facade that no one can see through, but yourself… half of the time. Sometimes you even fool yourself.

I feel like a waste of time, space, energy to other people around me. I guess that’s why I like being with/by myself. I’m stuck here to deal with my thoughts and emotions single-handily. People constantly tell me that I’m not a bother, but that doesn’t render in my thoughts — yes, I am. Most times, I’d rather be alone, walking with no destination in mind. Just my music and I. An eternal love that’ll never betrayal.

I guess you can say I’m quite the dreamer. I’m a free spirit with so many things I’d like to do now and before I die, but my anxiety kind of halts me from doing so, that and I’m scared of being alone when journeying. People make me out to be this amazing, incredible, stunning girl, when I’m not. I’m just real. I’m blunt. I have terrible foot-in-mouth disorder. I like to brag and be better than others. I like hurting people, specifically, those who have previously hurt me. Sadistic, I know.

My hopes for love are drastically delusional. I don’t think there’s ever a time where I actually feel loved; I feel more used. I feel like “who in their right mind would want me?” Honestly, though. I have two complete different personalities. One when I’m out around people, I’m distracted so I’m typically happy, overjoyed, silly, etc. When I’m alone, I can’t turn my brain off. A consistent stream of disbelief in myself. Why do the things that happen to me, do? Why do I let them? Why am I on edge with everything, everyone, and every emotion, nonstop? When will I finally be achieve bliss, happiness, tranquility, serenity?

I feel like I should open another bottle now.

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