Road Rage

I have total road rage.

I can’t help it. That’s what I tell myself. I think it’s some type of genetic disposition one either has or doesn’t. I apparently do.

Crazy Eyes. Me during road rage.

I love the second amendment (I know, you’re like, “Where is she going with this?”). I have a handgun. A 92FS, 9mm Beretta (that’s right, don’t even think about breaking into MY home!!). It’s gorgeous.

However, the country is a much safer place due to the fact that there are restrictions on the second amendment such as a state requirement that I have to meet certain criteria in order to obtain a carry and conceal permit, which…well, I don’t. So I don’t have a permit. So I don’t carry a gun in my car.

Which, people, is a GOOD THING.

Because believe you me, if I did, I probably would be reaching for it on a regular basis due to my road rage. Things that trigger this all-consuming, irrational, yet very physical sensation to chase someone down in my car, get them to pull over, yank them out of their seat and beat their head into the pavement are when they:

  • Fail to give a “thank you” wave when I let them in. Come on. Be polite!
  • Drive right on the lane divider between two lanes while talking on their cell phones.
  • Dangerously cut me off.
  • Flip me off or gesticulate wildly when they are in the wrong.
  • Tailgate me with only an inch between our bumpers. Don’t do that. It’s not cool.
  • Put on makeup, paint their nails, or do other crazy shit while driving.

I saw someone shave his face once. It would have been impressive had I not been more concerned that he was driving the car that was right in front of me. Wham! Shaving cream, a few quick passes with a razor, a wipe down of the face with moist towelettes. One minute. And I couldn’t even beep or pass him because do you want to be the person who startles someone who has a blade close to his throat in insane commuter traffic? I think not.

But the biggest thing that pisses me off? Being totally clueless. You know, when someone cuts in front of you when someone else is moving into your lane as well with everyone going 70 mph in the rain, thus causing a situation where three to four cars may have collided with one another? And everyone else reacts to save their asses and swerves and honks their horns and shouts and the one offender is thinking, “Whuuut? What’s wrong? Why is everyone mad at me?” and makes the I’m Confused Face and does that little upwards-open-hand motion, like, “Huh? Why?”.

Because YOU’RE STUPID. That’s why. And the only reasons why your genes have not yet been eliminated from the evolutionary track of Homo Sapiens is that we live in a modern society that 1) protects people like you by allowing you to purchase food, clothing, and shelter, thereby enabling you to continue your stupid-ass ancestral line and 2) makes it illegal to kill someone based solely on their IQ.

Really.

I truly do not understand why society makes people take vision, multiple-choice, and driving tests to get a license, yet does not require one for IQ. I mean, yes, vision is important in the safe operation of a car, but what about someone’s brains? I mean, they should have some, right?! RIGHT?!?

When road rage takes over.

Unfortunately, possessing intelligence beyond memorizing the correct answers to obvious driving-related questions is not required in securing a license. Therefore, the roads are populated by idiots. It really isn’t safe. Or fair. It really isn’t.