What I’ve Learned From My Deadbeat Dad.

Sometimes the best fathers don’t exist.

Mikayla Bush
Sep 2, 2018 · 4 min read

I was 15 years old when my father abandoned me and my three younger siblings. It was 10 o’clock at night when he got into his truck and drove away, leaving the four of us stranded with a mother out of the country on vacation. My siblings were sobbing so hard that one of their faces started turning purple, begging him not to go. My father blamed me, saying it was my fault he had to leave us, that he simply couldn’t be there for his children because of what I had said. When he left, it was up to me to figure out how to keep these three children calm after their father had abandoned them.

I’ve babysat before, I’ve stayed home alone before, but I’ve never had to deal with something like this. How do you handle a father that just drives away? How was I supposed to keep my brother from crying himself to sleep? I called my mother and told her about what was going on- but she was in Canada, hours away from home. I took the kids to a neighbors house where we all spent the night huddled together in her basement on an air mattress, waiting for morning and our mom to come get us. They fell asleep pretty quickly, exhausted from the day they had, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it truly was all my fault. After talking to friends, my mother, counselors and even my father, here’s what I’ve learned.

  • Stop Expecting Change.

Every soccer game, every musical performance and every chorus concert- my mom has been there, cheering us on. But, from my father, an “I’ll see if I can make it.” leads to another empty seat. But still, every soccer game, every musical performance and every chorus concert- my dad receives a phone call asking if he wants to come, or that we’ll save him a seat. And every single time, he’s nowhere to be found. I don’t talk to my dad anymore, but I’ve stopped expecting people to change and it’s saved me from a world of disappointment. My mother expects her fiancée to change, my siblings expect my dad to change, my friends expect each other to change- but it doesn’t do any good if nobody wants to change. People are the way that they are because it’s convenient, and who wants to change convenient? What’s even more convenient is letting people be who they are, and making the decision for yourself if you want to stand by them for it.

  • What a Good Man Looks Like.

My father is not a good man, not just because he left us helpless that night, but because he’s a drunk, he’s an angry man, he doesn’t think about how his actions effect others, and he refuses to apologize for his mistakes. A good man doesn’t do things with the expectation he’ll get something in return- that it’s a burden he must be relayed for, he cares about others opinions even when they’re not the same as his & he’s actually there when you need him. Because of this realization, It’s become easier to realize when somebody does something that I’m not comfortable with, and telling them to stop- it’s what I deserve. It’s what everybody deserves.

  • You Are Allowed to Hurt.

Just because I decided to stop talking to my father, doesn’t mean that I don’t get a stabbing feeling in my gut every time he picks up my siblings for a weekend at his new girlfriend’s house. Its excruciating when he walks into our front door and doesn’t even look at me. It’s like a bad breakup, you may not miss the person and you may not forgive them for what they did- but you still get nightmares about them dating somebody else.

Every time a song comes on about a father singing about his love for his daughter, or I see a man with a great relationship, I fight back tears. Every single time. But that’s okay. You need to allow yourself to feel pain before you can feel relief, or else there’s nothing to relive yourself from.

  • I Do Not Want Children. Ever.

There’s a variety of reasons why the thought of carrying a growing human inside of me is exceptionally off putting, but I’ve always said that if I fell in love with somebody that wants kids, I’d give in. However, after trying to keep my little sister from chasing after my dads truck, knowing that I’m the reason he got in it in the first place- I knew I couldn’t do that to my own child. What if their father decided to leave us one day? How would I justify that to a child? And to see the pain that I caused my siblings, I never want to cause another child such pain.

But my worst fear- I never want to turn into my father.

Mikayla Bush

Written by

I’m not an author & I’m not trying to be.

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