Guilelessness

Allow me to introduce myself a little bit. I am Kayla Marie Bryant. Unfortunately I cannot take you through every life experience and give you a true depiction of my identity, but I will attempt to give you some useful background into the environment that shaped my personality and how that is carving out my future right before my eyes.

I have an empathetic soul. I’ve always had some sort of stress related rash growing up. During my parents divorce it was right below my right eye, in elementary and middle school it was around my elbows and sometimes my chest. In high school it moved to my chest and behind my ear. I pick up on others stress and scratch myself. Environments that are too stimulating give me the urge to scratch as well. I was always different in the way that I could fit in everywhere. I saw daily school interactions as a game. Always jumping to the next circle mostly listening, learning. High school was a new field. So many new faces and dynamics to study. As a freshman Iwas involved in anything I could fit in the 24 hour day. I was well liked, well known and never had a moment to myself. I got my very first boyfriend that year. So shiny, so new. The feelings were fresh and the experience was exillerating. Just to let you know before I get too far ahead of myself, I’ve always been fascinated with religion. I’ve attended more than 20 churches in my younger days (not so intersted anymore). Gasp! Foreshadowing. This guy cured my curiosity. I guess you could say he halted it. I converted to Mormonism. The number of clubs I was involved in dropped to one. I swam for the rest of high school, but reluctantly cut back everywhere else to focus on my new toy. I had no time for myself and ultimately lost the interests I had that were in their developing stages. Fast forward to Junior year. Boyfriend calls during school hours and says his family is going to be deported soon. Shocking, of course. Heartbreaking. You know, the usual high school drama. Mormons go on a super cool trip called a ‘mission’ for two years if you are male. The length is slightly shorter if you are female, cuz ya just wasting time if you aren’t making babies. After the deportation he left for Guatemala and still kept in contact. Boyfriend turned into a jealous wreck maybe due to isolation or maybe it was the distance? Controlling and temperamental people do not thrive on long distance relationships, just FYI. Fast forward through a nasty breakup and a long period of defiance and isolation for myself and you get a high school senior who looks back on a wasted year of zero accomplishments. 164 absences 3 classes failed completely and 4 passing AP classes. I was a mess. My family staged an intervention and I cannot believe it got to that point. They were scared for my life. Senior year was just a blur of disappointments. I had to stop swimming to take as many classes as my school would allow so I could graduate on time. I took a zero period class and sailed through the year. Looking back now, I had no idea what working hard academically looked like. I had to take a summer class after that year which stopped me from graduating with my class. Another isolating experience I can add to the collection. I was set up to begin my first year of college at a community college in Cartersville. Started the semester out strong but got disinterested and dropped out. Started working at a Starbucks in Acworth, the GAP in Kennesaw. Found another boy. Quit exploring my own interests and helped pursue theirs. Transferred to Marietta Starbucks, then Starbucks on Monroe and 10th in Atlanta. Spent a year of life hopping from paycheck to paycheck. Engaging in all sorts of activities that my parents would not approve of. In that year I came to the realization that I need to build a solid foundation of interests for myself. I haven’t made time to explore myself and the things that I like. I’ve been too busy trying to please others. So, now looking back, seeing the pattern, I choose to learn from it.