I Am Unloveable

A previous state of mind

Kayla Douglas
Jul 31 · 2 min read
Image by Author 2004

At some point in the last year, I began to really focus on learning how to love myself. It felt like whatever endeavor I sat out on, my lack of self-love was the obstacle sitting in my path. I wanted to walk around that obstacle, find a short cut, but everything was telling me the only way past it was to peel away layer after layer of my beliefs about myself until I got to the root of the problem. I needed to answer the tough questions, “Why am I unlovable? What would it take for me to accept love?”

One of the first techniques I encountered was a guided meditation used to remind yourself of a time when you felt true love from another person. After the exercise, I wrote this poem.

Tears threaten
I blink them back
I am happy
I repeat the empty words.

Hold love in your heart,
Recall a loving memory.

I dig back 15 years to reach one
That doesn’t disintegrate under examination.
I hold that memory —
I hold her,
my baby sister
reminiscing on
the truest love I recollect;
From an infant
an innocent soul.

She didn’t know me yet
so, of course, she could love me.

She would love anyone in those moments
free from truth —
I was loveable.

I revive that love
to exist now
dragging in the strength,
feeding a white vibration
beneath my skin.

‘Be grateful’
A voice whispers
‘That you have this single moment of love.’

I am!
I grin.

Because you don’t deserve it.’
The tears fall
because I know
that is true.

Writing about the experience helped me to see that although I felt a baby could love me, anyone who knew me couldn’t. This was just the beginning of the beliefs I have had to rewire in my brain to get better at taking care of and loving myself. What techniques have you used to learn self-love?

Image by Author 2019

Kayla Douglas

Written by

Life Coach, author, lifelong learner, travel enthusiast, narcolepsy advocate, living in Myanmar, she/her https://www.kaylamdouglas.com

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