I Am Unloveable

A previous state of mind

Kayla Douglas
Jul 31 · 2 min read
Image by Author 2004

At some point in the last year, I began to really focus on learning how to love myself. It felt like whatever endeavor I sat out on, my lack of self-love was the obstacle sitting in my path. I wanted to walk around that obstacle, find a short cut, but everything was telling me the only way past it was to peel away layer after layer of my beliefs about myself until I got to the root of the problem. I needed to answer the tough questions, “Why am I unlovable? What would it take for me to accept love?”

One of the first techniques I encountered was a guided meditation used to remind yourself of a time when you felt true love from another person. After the exercise, I wrote this poem.

Tears threaten
I blink them back
I am happy
I repeat the empty words.

Hold love in your heart,
Recall a loving memory.

I dig back 15 years to reach one
That doesn’t disintegrate under examination.
I hold that memory —
I hold her,
my baby sister
reminiscing on
the truest love I recollect;
From an infant
an innocent soul.

She didn’t know me yet
so, of course, she could love me.

She would love anyone in those moments
free from truth —
I was loveable.

I revive that love
to exist now
dragging in the strength,
warmth;
feeding a white vibration
beneath my skin.

‘Be grateful’
A voice whispers
‘That you have this single moment of love.’

I am!
I grin.

Because you don’t deserve it.’
The tears fall
because I know
that is true.


Writing about the experience helped me to see that although I felt a baby could love me, anyone who knew me couldn’t. This was just the beginning of the beliefs I have had to rewire in my brain to get better at taking care of and loving myself. What techniques have you used to learn self-love?

Image by Author 2019

Kayla Douglas

Written by

Life Coach, author, lifelong learner, travel enthusiast, narcolepsy advocate, living in Myanmar, she/her https://www.kaylamdouglas.com

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade