Crazy for the universe.

There must be an answer as to why we choose to perpetuate sadness in our lives. Sadness is a deep, sultry emotion. There is nothing like sadness. Sadness with salt, the break from sadness. Sadness is a wild frontier to explore. Sadness teaches us things. Sadness allows us to turn deeply into ourselves. Sadness is like indulgence. I think a lot of us have a problem with constantly turning back to sadness because it’s so easy, really. It’s a familiar old friend, one of the most mature feelings you probably ever felt as a child. I remember feeling sadness for the first times in my life as a young child and feeling like I grew a foot. It adds deep colors and tastes and sounds to life. It is a lens in which we can relate to each other in the deepest way. It is what makes us so very human.

I suffered with a self harm problem for a long time. It started when I was 14 and it continued until I was probably 20. It was a great big pity party and I always knew better. I did it for two reasons; I wanted to feel more physical pain than the pain I felt daily in my heart, and I wanted to be able to show those that were close to me that I was hurting in a way that I couldn’t express. It was exceptionally selfish. The memory of my little sister seeing me wrapped in bandages and laying on a floor after a trip to the hospital still haunts me. I wonder how it has affected her. I know as she has grown older that she is not very different than me and it has weighed heavy on my heart thinking about how I could have been a better big sister. I was no role model. I wanted my sadness, and only to spite those in my life that hurt me.

I have some mysterious phenomenons that have occurred in my life the to this day I cannot explain. Those experiences turned me towards exploring my spirituality and set on a path to healing. I do believe in miracles. I believe in rebirth. I believe in a million chances.

My spiritual path took me on a wild ride through my early twenties, I had to decide what flags to retire and what flags to keep carrying in life. It was not easy for me to let go of a lot of youthful things that made life fun. I’ve always been one to hold onto black metal. Exploring Christianity often felt a diet I didn’t need or want to be on. I had messed up so much in my life however I gave it a full effort to find out as much as I could about God and living a spiritual life. I owed it to the people that guided my hand out of the total mess that was my youth. I wanted to be a good person. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore.

The world is too colorful. It is overwhelming. I made it a mission to submerse myself in as many colors as possible so I could know for myself what worked and what was true for me. I went to churches alone a lot. Just to listen. Just to see how people were living and what it was doing for them. There were some of the most educational and bold times of my life. I grew up in a very traditional religious setting. I took confirmation classes on theology and religion for two years in high school and even traveled to Europe to study the path of the reformation. It’s a beautiful story, one of my favorite stories. In it is the reveal of politics and religion and it’s influence on the world. For the longest time you were either a catholic or a pagan, and people couldn’t read the Bible for themselves. Kings would use this against people to control them, cause fear, and gain wealth. The Catholic Church made a claim that there was a thing called purgatory, a in between place of heaven and hell where you could pay for your sins. They said, if you pay the church in gold, we can absolve you of x amount of years in purgatory. If you didn’t know, purgatory was never included in the original text of the Bible. Men were burned at the stake for trying to expose this secret to the world. One man got away with it and he changed religion forever. Martin Luther in Germany hid away in a castle and translated the Bible so that the people could read it for themselves, he started a revolution. Essentially he started the rebirth of the church that sprouted all the different denominations of Christianity that exist now. That blows my mind. It’s absolutely amazing to me. My grandpa was a Lutheran pastor and maybe I’m just a nerd but that story warms my heart. It’s a story about justice and the will that humans don’t want to see other humans suffer.

This is why you can lump all Christians together like I feel a lot of people do. There are dozens on dozens of ways of belief, some turn it ugly, some turn it good. I think it is crucial to understand the difference before knocking a person for wanting to believe in something. We are all so unique and the world is a dark place and I don’t think there is anything wrong with a person seeking out a light.

My old sadness has come knocking lately. I’ve been suffering with the sensation that my body isn’t actually shaped the way it actually is. It’s like a feeling of anxiety they caused my limbs to feel longer or heavier than they actually are. I get the sensation that the way I walk about a room isn’t normal or ‘right’. My hands feel large. My feet feel big. I feel like the sound of my own voice is very ugly and overwhelming. It’s a terrifying and exhausting feeling that comes and goes and it has caused me to unintentionally lose weight. I don’t know when exactly I became this person, I don’t know when I allowed myself to become this person. The thought of being sad makes me sadder. I compulsively think of my flaws and how others that make me feel insecure see me. My inner hater’s voice has somehow become strong.

I quit Christianity pretty hard because I was tired of being chastised. I also met a few people along the way that put a very bitter taste in my mouth about it. A lot of manipulators, takers, pretenders. I don’t agree with coercion or changing people for who they really are or urging them away from things they really like that aren’t hurting them. The world is wide and I feel like God exists in many ways. Science is the most God like thing I know. I think of of them on a parallel. There are tiny islands of indigenous peoples that have their systems of belief and have for years and there is nothing wrong with it, and they may never see a bible and that is okay. I don’t believe a coming to a messiah is the way. I think this God I imagine is bigger than that.

I have no doubt that the universe is constantly teaching us things, and that She is absolutely a harsh teacher. She speaks to me in mysterious ways I cannot explain and also can’t really deny. I know when something is knocking on my door. I know when an undercurrent is pulling me another way. I’ve always had a pretty keen instinct on when it’s time to pick up and leave something alone.

My stubbornness has been getting the worst of me lately. It feels like a disease. I’ve been a mush ball all my life, fairly teachable. Somehow I feel like I’ve turned my nose up, as if I somehow know better.

Now I walk around with a broken heart. Truly a bruised, beaten to a pulp sore ass heart, I can feel it now. Truly sour. Truly a shame. I feel like I’ve done it to myself. Somehow I allowed myself to dip into the sultry sadness in life. I feel like the universe is shaking her head at me. I started having nightmares again, sore muscles, an eye twitch. Bad things were happening to me and I couldn’t point my finger at anyone but myself. I feel like bad things happen to when you try to fight the universe and I feel like I’ve forsaken a lot of the lessons I’ve learned. I feel like I’ve turned my back on a girl who used to be resilient and courageous and unconcerned with what anyone thought. I was out to learn for myself and for myself only, and maybe get to give some love along the way. Somehow I lost track of where I was going. I have so many new wonderful faces in my life and they are always teaching me new things. So, tonight I’m saying a little prayer that I can somehow stop celebrating the sadness. That somehow I can stop being afraid of the light. That somehow I can stop being so afraid to keep moving forward in life. I’m tired of being ruled by fear. The Bible says that God did not make us with a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self control. Whether or not you believe in God, that is still a powerful statement. It’s beautiful to think we were born to be strong, not anything less. Anything less is a joke and a lie. It helps me sleep easier at night. For anyone reading this, I hope you will feel inspired to ask yourself what you are made of today.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Kayla Muhl’s story.