Today I woke up at about noon after a long sleep. I had trouble sleeping because there was a man in my house that belongs to my roommate whom with I don’t get along. He had his dog over and I have a cat and I spent the night locked in my room with my cat and a bottle of wine feeling severely stuck and uptight. I’ve always been an energy person, whether or not I like it. Anyway, it didn’t make for a great sleep and I woke up and patiently waited for them to leave before I even left my room. I made a gruesome cup of cowboy coffee because I ran out of filters last week and I’m currently too poor to buy new filters. It got me thinking on when I used to live off of 40 dollars a week. 40 dollars a week on beans and tortillas and maybe an occasional carton of guacamole. The life I used to live is drastically different than the life I live now. I miss certain aspects and I don’t miss certain aspects. I took some time to browse over some old photos of when I was maybe 19–20. It wasn’t that long ago but my life events have made it seem like ages. I wonder a lot on how much time I wasted worrying about things that didn’t matter. I spent a lot of time being self conscious of how I looked. I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out how I could become a better me through a series of photographs posted on Tumblr or Facebook. I could spend hours just browsing and listening to music. I didn’t have a car for awhile so it was easy for me to stay home and do nothing. I talked to a guy from Chicago online for a long time, I even took a greyhound up to the city a couple times to see him and of course, it was never what either of us wanted it to be. I used to be feel pretty embarrassed at this but I feel confident enough to now to laugh at myself. Looking at the picture of myself and old friends I only wish that I would have spent more time leaning into myself sooner. I didn’t want to. I wanted to avoid myself at all costs. I wish I would have spent more time leaning into new relationships and getting outside more. Who knows where it could have led me but I certainly made a turnaround. I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged somewhere more than I do now. I’m full of new insecurities and honestly probably more fears than I ever have been. I don’t really now what I’m trying to say here, I guess it is that gratitude has proven to be the tilting factor in so much of my happiness. It’s so easy to lose sight of what you have. Sometimes looking at what you have is like looking into bright sunlight, it hurts at first but when you just relax and embrace the heat and light, all the bullshit just falls away. I want more of that, I want to be around more people that want to push into the light with me.

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