It’s hard to put into words the past 7 months.. I went from being high on life, to being dragged through it. When my biological dad passed, it hurt my heart. All the memories we would never make, the questions I’ll never have answered. I just wanted more time, but don’t we all.
When papa passed it was like my world was flipped upside down. I loved that man with my whole heart, every single piece of it. I felt lost for the first time in a long time when I realized he wouldn’t be answering the house phone anymore when I called. He wouldn’t be showing me things in the garden, cutting out wood for grandma and I to paint. What do you do without the man who made you believe that you could be anything you set your mind to? He taught me how to live, but not how to let go of the hurt once one is gone.
I tore my ACL shortly after while playing the game that breathed fresh air into my heart and head after my split. Why God? Why are you taking all the things I love in this world away from me?
I cried many nights and days pondering those questions. What have I done wrong? I asked myself constantly.
The answer to those questions were hard when they came. I didn’t want to open my eyes to what was going on.
My depression took a turn for the worst after Papa passed and I began to work out constantly and stayed busy 24/7, never giving myself a rest. I buried my hurt, frustration and anger and tossed it aside in order to keep living “happy”. When I tore my ACL, I knew before the game that something was up, but again, I brushed off what my body told me and played anyways. And then BOOM, I was on the ground screaming after a lost 50/50 ball to a (big) guy.
The point of this post is to tell you that it’s OK to feel the hurt, angry, frustrated feelings and it’s important to work them out as your feeling them. God saw what I was doing and after many attempts to get me to slow down (influenza for a week, sore muscles after lifting constantly) he needed to step in and give me a permanent rest.
It sucked. I was so angry and it blinded me to what a blessing in disguise my injury was. I was forced to literally slow down and only then was I able to examine all my feelings that I had been going through. I cried more in 2 weeks after my ACL than I had in the past 1.5 years. I wanted to prove God wrong, to bargain with him about getting my strength back. But the funny thing about Gods timing is that it’s just that, his timing. I had to trust him, and when I started to, things began to look up. I worked through the anger and hurt, I got surgery and started PT, my friends took me out on dates to get me out of the house and I was able to witness all the support I had around me which I was blind to before.
I prayed for good friends and support, to be happy, to live with depression and conquer it, and God gave me exactly that only with a few road bumps along the way.
I always say that I’m happy to take what God throws at me because there are people out there who can’t. I would rather have their burden on my shoulders than to watch them suffer, and I’m happy I get the worst of it sometimes. Working through the worst shows me how beautiful this world really is, reminding me of what I have and to not get to ahead of myself. To pray daily, not for what I want but for what I have already been given in this crazy beautiful life.
The past 7 months have been a struggle, but yet again I was surprised to see myself get back up and fight, after everything I keep getting up and fighting, and that my friends is an accomplishment all in its own.
Trust in God’s timing, pray for what you have and always remember to look around to find the silver lining, it isn’t always apparent ❤️