A Wonderful Contradiction

Just trying to take a chill pill

I am a type-A human being. I’ve always been this way, my parents tell me stories about how I never really liked playing with my Barbies, just sorting all of their clothes and organizing them into my massive array of pink carrier cases. Or how I would end my day by writing a meticulous to-do list for the upcoming morning (which literally included me writing down to brush my teeth or do my hair). I still keep a color-coded planner, and my closet is organized by type, as well as by color. Keeping my shit together is, if I may say, my speciality in most cases. But regardless of how much weird satisfaction I get from all of my hangers matching, it’s not exactly a laid-back lifestyle.

I like to put a lot of pressure on myself.

I stress. I’m great at stressing about things. Whether it’s about making amends with someone who I’m convinced hates me, sending emails to my professors, being late to work, getting my school work done early, cleaning my apartment/room/bathroom/car, whatever it is, chances are I probably spend a huge portion of my day thinking about it.

I find it extremely hard to get out of my own head, and envy the people who don’t seem to ever give a shit about anything. Granted, that’s not the best lifestyle to live and my own inability to calm down usually gets things done efficiently. But I would give a lot to maybe be able to just calm the fuck down every once in a while.

Being mindful about my own thinking habits and my tendency to focus on one thing, and just letting it continue to circle around and around the drain of my mind, has definitely put a lot of things into perspective for me and made me a generally more happy person. But nevertheless there’s always this weird pull inside of me telling me that there is SOMETHING OUT THERE SOMEWHERE that I should probably be worrying about.

I am, in my own mind, a beautiful contradiction.

I could tell you whatever I wanted to about the light and love in this world, and my incessant desire to spread it and make the people around me happier. I don’t stop laughing ever. I can continue to play around on my ukulele, sit on the beach, prance around in my hippie clothes, and attend every festival I can get my hands on. That’s the lifestyle that I love, the one I want, and also the one I only really feel apart of when I’m away from my everyday life.

I’m convinced this is the very reason why once I started, I quickly welcomed the habit of smoking. Whether it be listening to music, writing, or just sitting around talking to someone, it’s one of the only times that my ideal train of though becomes a reality, and that little annoying voice inside my head goes on vacation for a couple of hours. In other words, I’m convinced that weed saved my sanity.

I won’t say that I’m not grateful for how I am, but it’s been more of a matter of learning to accept those both sides of you and getting them to work together harmoniously. It’s definitely not easy, but even the parts of you that you might not enjoy as much bring something really important to what makes you who you are. I may not always be able to be the easy-going free spirit that I want to be, but all that means is that my smoking supplies will never be unorganized. Now roll that up and smoke it. :)

Spoken like a true freakin’ Gemini am I right? xx