An Open Letter To My Anxiety & Those Who Are Anxious

Dear anxiety:

I am the girl whose life got taken over by you. Before you came, I never worried. I was absolutely carefree. I enjoyed the little things! After you became a guest, I lost my organizational skills, the will to not spend hours in bed. I used to love going into public, now, I have to give myself a pep talk. Oh, and my friends? They’re constantly asking me if I’m okay, and of course I say yes, because I am. I’m not dying, but I am ill. Sometimes, my thoughts keep me up so late at night that I just don’t sleep. I don’t eat, I skip meals. I don’t even feel hungry when this happens, that can’t be normal, right? It is for me. I’ve lost a lot of weight due to you. Work is pure torture. I can hear my own thoughts 10x louder there.

People always tell me, “you should get help. You should see someone.” Little do they know is that I have. I’ve been to the doctor. She gave me pills, as if I have a sinus infection. As if a little prescription could turn off my thoughts, my inner monologue and my constant worrying. Little do they know is, they don’t work. I took a whole bottle, once a day, for 90 days. The results? Probably more chemicals in my body than necessary, and a very upset liver. A therapist? Yeah, I’ve been there, too. All she did was ask me questions that made me more anxious and panicky. She didn’t want to help. Her service to me was simply because I had a check in my hand. I wanted to leave, I wasn’t comfortable telling my problems to a complete stranger, PhD or not. Do not give me solutions to a problem you have never had.

Sure, everyone’s been anxious, I’m not saying they haven’t. What I was diagnosed with was a GAD (general anxiety disorder). A disorder. I was not diagnosed with just anxiety, because it’s way more complex than that. Most of the time, it comes with depression, and in my case, that’s true, but that’s another topic. People will tell me, “I understand, I’ve been there.” But you are more aware about how wrong they are. They do NOT understand. They say it to be sympathetic, but it’s the exact opposite. If they’ve “been” there, they’d still be there, because anxiety never goes away. It will get better, but it does not go away. Once it creeps in, it makes its bed and stays there. I can feel you creeping up on me. I hear your echoes, your torture, your lies. You have completely taken over my life. I’m not sure if I will ever not have you around.

But, I do know one thing. I can tone you out. I can shut you off, you can’t control me as much. I’ve learned your patterns, your treacherous system. Little did you know, I’ve figured you out. You are a permanent guest that can be locked away, if needed. By focusing on the little things, the positives, and the joys of life, I’ve figured out how to shut you up. Not everyone can do this, and some call this task some kind of super power, but it’s not. All that’s necessary is to change your ways of thinking. You can’t let that permanent guest take you over. Get out. If you’re panicking, having an attack or just downright anxious, f o c u s. Stop thinking about what’s stressing you out, that unnecessary panicking. Because that’s what it is, unnecessary. Focus on the next thing you need to do. If you’re in the middle of an attack, make a cup of coffee. Distract yourself. Read a book, play a game. Do something you absolutely love. Channel it. This causes a temporary block to your anxiety.

I can’t say this will work for everyone, I’m definitely not a doctor. BUT — I can tell you it’s worked better than that tiny pill. You have got to change the way you think. You have to psych yourself out. This is not a cure for anxiety, I can guarantee you that. Sometimes it doesn’t work. For instance, I still have panicky moments. They. Do. Not. Go. Away.

Your anxiety will creep back up and rear its ugly head at points. There’s nothing you can do to control it, I know. You just have to know that you are not alone. Talk about your problems, if you can. Your loved ones will tell you things that your anxiety hasn’t let you hear. I know every person with anxiety hates the saying “everything is going to be okay”, but it’s absolutely true. Your anxiety tries to ruin things. It tries to make your life miserable, you just can’t feed into the emotions. Don’t feed into the anger, the hatred, the jealousy or sadness. It’s so hard not to, believe me. I’m constantly struggling with these things. I snap on others. I say things I shouldn’t. I hurt people. Is that my intention? Absolutely not. It just happens, and I can apologize and be genuine, but it’s not always accepted, which I have to live with. I don’t always know how to control my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but believe me, I am trying so hard. One of my biggest problems is that I bottle things up. The truth is, I just don’t want people to know certain things. If it seems like I’m holding back, please do not pry. It will just make me upset and uncomfortable. I will tell you when I’m ready. I’m not shutting you off, I’m just keeping to myself. I’m constantly worried if people are judging me. A symptom of anxiety is becoming a people pleaser, it’s so obvious that most people with a GAD are. We don’t want people to be upset or angry at us, it just triggers anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, I sincerely hope this could help you. If you’re anything like me, you don’t even like to read articles about anxiety, because some of them are written by people who don’t even have it. I’m proud of you for getting through this. It’s not easy.

If we aren’t friends and you are feeling helpless, hopeless or upset… please talk to me. Reach out to me. I want to help you. Jesus put me here for a reason & even if that means writing an article and talking to ONE person…. I will feel complete. You are loved. You are NEEDED. You are important.

I was feeling panicky when I wrote this (a few days ago), and now I feel better because I distracted myself. I put my anxiousness into something that could hopefully help others. I sincerely hope it has. If you are depressed, anxious, nervous or just supportive, share this. Please. I want to reach out to others, but I need your help doing so. If you need to talk to someone who understands, please don’t be afraid to contact me. I know how much it sucks to talk to someone who doesn’t understand you, but I do. I’ve been so low at times, I never even fathomed that I’d get back up, but I did. This article was not easy to write. I’m not a fan of throwing personal information out there, but I feel as time goes on, more people are affected by this. I wrote this for you. Who may be silently struggling. I wrote it for my family, so they understand. I am perfectly fine, please don’t call or text me being concerned, I promise you I’m doing well. Some days are just worse than others. To those reading this who struggle with this, I will keep you in my prayers, always. You are loved, needed and necessary. Never feel less than that, no matter what your anxiety tells you.

~ X0X0 Kaylynn <3