Burn Ravan Burn

Its Dusshera, and the country is mercilessly going to put the man with the ten heads on fire. Standing beside him will be his inevitable faithfuls, his brother and his son. See, putting people on fire is our form of crucification . You might even argue it is equivalent to lynching if not crucifying. For the nobel must be crucified and the evil must be lynched. But we’ve moved on to the electric chairs, for now.

But for now, Burn Ravan Burn

As much as the air pollution it causes-whatever is going to happen to the new “My clean India campaign”, aah you can literally walk around naked in the name of religion in this country. Yet, people view Dusshera as the triumph of the righteous virtuous Ram over the evil Ravan.

The short of it is, Ravan abducted Ram’s boo Sita only after Laxman (Ram’s loyal brother) cut off Ravan’s sister’s, Supankha’s nose while she was trying to seduce him. Bitch please, even though I find it kinda sexist that he would try to get even with Ram by taking it out on Sita, atleast he was an awesome brother.

Aaah the Ramayan from school is as fuzzy. Some say Sita was abducted by Ravan because she was b-aaa-uti-full. But, I swear I have read this in the Geeta; The intellectual Ravan was bound to piss off a goddess or two, and while he disturbed the asceticism of one Manivati, she vowed revenge by reincarnating herself as his daughter(Sita). When Ravan was cursed with a daughter who would eventually be the reason of his demise, he wanted to get rid of her. He ordered for the baby to be buried alive. While all this was supposedly happening in Lanka, a man from King Janak’s kingdom(which, I think was in India) found the baby girl while ploughing his fields. The good King Janak adopted and brought Sita up as his own.

But coming back to the abduction of Sita by Ravan, talk about a reverse Electra effect, eww. Also, had it not been his younger brother who betrayed the man, joined forces with Prince Ram and told him that Ravan, the king of Lanka, wouldn’t die until he aimed his crossbow at his stomach, even the great Ram couldn’t have killed him. The man was practically invincible, he had all sorts of boons from powerful gods such as Shiva(the destroyer in the trinity) and the likes of him.

Growing up I thought Ravan was cool. He was this uber intelligent man(hello, ten heads, which are just symbolic btw), and who knows maybe he knew it all along. They say, even when he abducted Sita he never touched the woman and I think by touched they mean assault or sexually initiate anything. Because uhh huh he clearly grabbed her by the arm while abducting her on the airplane.. did I just mention airplane?

Yes he apparently had airplanes, who knew, those white Wright brothers took away the glory, or maybe it was a magic-carpet, again Walt Disney has the copyright to that, again, sup with white people taking away our glory yo.

According to Saint Valmiki, the author of Ramayan, Lanka was made of gold! (and here I enclose my impressed face). He was really really rich and kept Sita in an enclosed vatika (a garden) where she was well taken care of. I wonder if they had those nice hamamas (baths/spa) there, but while Sita might be disinterested in the luxuries that surrounded her, busy missing her beau Ram(hey, I feel ya sista). Hanuman, the strongest of them all, and also a monkey, messenger of Shree Ram, managed to fly and cross over. You will realize there is clearly a waterbody between India and Sri Lanka, so leaping from one tree branch to another wasn’t an option here. Hanuman is possibly the missing link? Because last I read the narendra man couldn’t fly. But okay, who knew. So, Hanuman puts lanka on fire after being spotted, all with his tail, because someone thought putting his tail on fire would be fun. Aaah, ass on fire. Logical fallacy: how does one put metal on fire and that too with just a tail? Given that Lanka was made up of gold and gold is a metal.

Yet, on the twentieth day after the demise of the “evil” Ravan, aka Dusshera, Prince Ram, Sita and Laxman made it back to hometown Ayodhaya, hence the great festival of lights, Diwali. Stop, and let this sink in, after winning a battle and the wifey back, the man walked approximately 2,500 km back home. That’s 494 hours of walking according to google maps. You see even though he was a prince and could have easily afforded a chauffeur driven chariot, if not an RV, hey if Lanka can have airplanes, India can have RVs. He was in exile because of his evil greedy third mother Kaykeyi. Queen Kaykei had wanted the kingdom to her son by sending Ram, the rightful heir to the forests. She had demanded this of King Dhusrath, on account of the two wishes she once won. They say he later died of grief, the broken heart syndrome must be somewhat true.

After returning home and all the jazz, Ram gets sworn in as the King. Rumor has it, he overhears a common man in his kingdom say something to the effect that Queen Sita was not kosher anymore, since word gets around that the great Ravan had abducted her highness. The man who fought a battle to win his wife back, sends her off to exile for another 14 freaking years! She mothers Luv-Kush and when 14 years are over and Lord Ram does come around to see her, the earth splits and she is taken in. Since she was found in a pitcher buried in the land, some even say she was mother Earth’s daughter. And the daughter returns to her mother.

But to me these festivals and fables are mere poems. More than poetry its a spectacle. Because I am only an honorary philandering hindu this life.

A few notes and lessons though: You mustn’t piss off a powerful man’s sister and under no circumstances should you cut off her nose. To win a war, you need loyal brothers-also not piss of your own brothers, while you may say women may cause wars, its really the patriarchal proprietorship over them that causes men to get even via each other’s women and also fight wars. Let’s face it, had he really loved her, he wouldn’t have exiled her for another 14 years on hear-say. Lastly, even if you cry rivers for you beau, just remember just because you were in another man’s vatika you are not pure, and your man can ask you to while away another 14 years of your life in exile, and thou shall comply because you are the model wife. Call it crazy love or call it crazy people giving you convoluted notions on how you must live your life, who a model wife is, how a good son is and et cetera.

Or maybe Ramayan is just another love story.