Denied Talking

There were a number of things I would like to discuss with people in my circle, positively or negatively. Some of those concerns were really explored in deep matters, while some of those are not and looks like as if it was “denied talking” (hence the title). I will try to recount those incident in my own words and came up with some conclusion

Hey, Hey, You, You…

This was the opening line to Avril Lavigne’s song “Girlfriend”, and there’s no doubt I will talk about it. Throughout years I was in the university, I went through at least three couples who shows obvious interests to their party. While I was able to maintain a good relationship between either scissors or sometimes both, it has become more complicated when I try to go deeper into either sides or trying to drag the abstained party into circle. In one incident, I posted a photo of my friend to the wall, but was asked to take it down following concerns that the love interests would consider my expression to be “too much of a friend” when it was obvious that I am not

A similar cases happened when a photo was posted and tagged to a person whose appearances are being monitored closely. Obviously my photo was unsatisfied to her and she tooked down. A conversation behind closed doors revealed the rationale behind it. Though both incidents are unrelated, it shows that every person would be likely to monitor the profile it appeared online and would denied to accept that the “fresh” appearances taken by others be their true self, or feared of the incorrect interpretation by other person such as parents, love interests or others. While it may be true that I may utilize the method to make sure my profile is well-shown, I feel that it “shouldn’t have to be harsh” unless they wanted the trace be eliminated in its entirely. I ended both incident by removing any of my traces against them to ensure everything I’ve done with them was erased or unidentified

There was a conspiracy

During my period of my study, I joined in some of the activities of the university which allowed a short-term exchange overseas. While my experience is a moderate success, I feel that I was excluded from the biggest and the most demanding challenges in bidding to join the program. I have been trying to prove that the system of Priority, which granted a non-competitive quota to the board members of the organization, exists, and one of the member confessed as such in a discussion behind closed doors. It was against equal treatment we should have upheld as with what we studied; yet, it is known to have been tolerated and I started to drift myself apart from the organization when I discovered this scheme, eventually ending the participation when I finished studying. This conspiracy is something I appears to be proven only on paper; with the lack of absolute proof, it will be impossible to speak anything against it.

Other selection also has a conspiracy I cannot find absolute proof, such as when selecting people for overseas competition, I would have say that I did possess some knowledge and is willing to engage in it, but my application was disqualified from the outset following the mock pleading. It was initially without reason but some sources described my incident as “full of knowledge but lack of personality”. Sure, I was without personality, but it seems to be the pressure you are trying to put onto everyone which freaked the personality away. I deemed knowledge to be something harder to obtain, and excluding me out for this purpose is something I would doubt myself

No More Helping

I wrote in a previous entry that I am not willing to help anyone else after my school is over, or if the burden is disproportionate to the outcome. Yet, in a number of cases, I was asked to help. Being someone who is less likely to refuse helping, I did help. However, some help turns to be a burden-shifting to me and I feel awkward to demand the work be done in proportional manner. It was awkward, but from now on with my obligation finished, I should be able to deny with confidence any help being “too much”

I wish to expand here that this helping have something to do with my personality, and sometimes this has become a sharp objects over myself. I lose a number of friends for my harsh and non-toleration personality, both online and offline. It comes to my mind sometimes I should have regret that and reconcile, but I don’t if it was the act of my “true self”

Now you Talked. Then what?

I did write this as a reflection to myself that sometimes I was denied speaking for a very different reason. Fear, lack of proof, my personality has been a predominent figures. These words that was left unheard would make your conscious full (right now mine was full also) and will drag away something worthwhile. It shall be my advice to tell you that if you have the opportunity to talk, reconcile or whatsoever, do so