The Drop Off

Today I dropped my 11 month old son off for his first day of daycare. I found myself quite emotional afterwards even though I have been preparing myself for it for over a month. Don’t get me wrong I believe daycare, as a whole, is a great thing for our children. The socialization it provides cannot be duplicated at home with mom or dad. I think the thing that got to me, was that this ends a chapter in my life that provided me with surprising joy and challenges.

I remember back a year ago being 9 months pregnant still going to work fulltime and trying desperately to get my head around taking a whole 12 months off work to stay home and take care of a baby I hadn’t even met yet. It was overwhelming and terrifying. Plus I had such a great stake and pride in my work it would be hard to separate from it all.

Then it happened my little man came into the world.

Not to get all gushy about it, but my world changed and I had this little guy whose whole world was me (and dad of course). Don’t get me wrong we had our ups and downs, as well as hide in the laundry moments. The dependence on me was hard and frustrating at first, but the love that came with it was undeniable and consuming.

Watching him grow and learn was fascinating. He also became more independent and I guess that is what made today hard. He is independent enough now not to rely solely on me (and dad of course), I can drop him off now for hours and he wont need me for a breastfeed, burb or pat. And that is what I am emotional about, the closing of the chapter of my baby’s infant life and all his dependences on mom (and dad). This brings with it many good things though like sleeping through the night, eating only 3 meals a day, lots more interaction and cuddles. It’s not all bad that is for sure.

But I still find myself here sitting at the cusp of going back to work, back to that world that I was so overwhelmed to leave a year ago and all I can think is how much I would like to rewind the clock and do it all again.