Is This The Worst Tweet of All Time?
That’s not a joke title. I’m genuinely curious if this is objectively the worst tweet ever conceived in the history of Twitter or not. No shade at all, I don’t even hate Logan Paul like the vast majority of the general adult population. I actually have nothing against him, other than the fact that he seems like a legitimately awful person. But regardless of his personality, whether you love him (shoutout to the academically-advanced toddlers reading this) or hate him, you have to respect the way he defied all the odds by being an aggressively obnoxious and predominantly shirtless white teen boy who managed to find success on Vine. A remarkable underdog story that paved the way for the main theme of the tweet in question.
Again, I have no beef with Logan Paul and I’m not even trying to disrespect him here. I kind of feel bad for him, because I’m pretty sure he truly believed he was going to hit a grand slam with this one. That’s what separates it from some of the other landmines in the Bad Tweet Hall of Fame. He really thought it was going to be a groundbreaking smash hit that would leave millions of inspired Twitter users gawking at their phone screens in amazement. A feel-good story for the ages. I’m imagining he was sprawled out in his first class seat, confidently running his hand through his untamed, shaggy blonde hair and pridefully smirking at his phone after dropping this M67 grenade on the timeline. For some weird reason, I’m also imagining that he was loudly making animal noises and quoting Step Brothers throughout the duration of the flight.
Take a look at this bone-chilling stanza from his poetic masterpiece. This man really unironically referred to himself as “picture perfect fuk boy.” Not only that, but I can almost guarantee he typed out the four-word phrase “picture perfect fuck boy”, then went back and deleted the “c” in “fuck” and thought to himself, “yep, this is better.” A move that only a sociopath is capable of doing.
I’ve had my Twitter account since 2012. That’s 6+ years of sweltering hot textualized garbage plaguing my eyes and brain on a daily basis. But is it really possible that this tweet from Logan Paul is the worst I’ve ever seen?
Absolutely not. Not even close. That title belongs to the likes of a completely different former Vine star/YouTube sensation with long blonde hair. The haunting image of the tweet I’m referring to will spontaneously pop in my head every once in a while and send an ice cold shiver down my spine….
THIS is undoubtedly the absolute worst tweet ever conceived in the history of Twitter and will most likely hold that title for the entirety of the website’s lifespan. It’s been slightly over a year since its release date and the mere existence of it is still mind blowing to me. Maybe it’s the simplicity of it that makes it so disturbing: four words, a single emoji, and one hashtag. That’s all it took for young Coleman to turn one of the most beautiful moments of his life into a horrifying public message for the world to see.
The spookiest part of this tweet isn’t any part of the tweet itself; it’s when you attempt to imagine the manner and context in which it was created. At what point during his wedding day, did this young man decide to announce the loss of his virginity to the public? HOW SOON after he lost his virginity did he type out that fateful tweet and press send? What was the decision-making process that led to him including a one-hundred emoji? Every possible hypothetical in this scenario is frightening.
Let’s start by imagining the tweet unfolding from the bride’s perspective:
You finally got to marry your soulmate. It’s the greatest day of your entire life and you’re filled with nothing but pure joy and unconditional love. The reception ends and now it’s time for the REAL fun. The two of you rush into your hotel room and slam the door behind you. You both can barely contain your excitement and immediately sprint to the bed with the built-up horniness of a thousand Emily Ratajkowski Instagram comments. He rips your clothes off like a feral Rotweiller and gives you an epic, Vine-length pounding that culminates with him pumping his fist and uttering the words, “marriage rocks!” A slightly odd way to end a love-making session, but it was his very first time so you don’t judge him. After all, he’s your soulmate. You go to cuddle with him and he turns his back to you. You don’t think anything of it at first because he typically prefers being the little spoon, but now he’s inching farther away from your grasp and reaching for his phone. You’re confused by this move, but the bliss of the wedding day overpowers all feelings of bewilderment and you close your eyes and wait for him to return to your loving embrace. A short moment later he’s back in your arms and you open your eyes. You peek over his shoulder and what you see next…is the man of your dreams, just seconds after your first time making love together, with his phone in his hand and the Twitter app opened….and he’s in the middle of adding a 💯 emoji to the words “No longer a virgin”
Ladies, what would you do in that situation? Also, I’m extremely sorry for writing this.