Please Madam, I Beg of You

There’s an epidemic going on right now in the United States. Nothing life-threatening like AIDS, opioid addiction, or attending school. Something much less dangerous but equally troubling — a rapidly growing conglomeration of adult males, under the guise of respectful gentlemen, are being publicly and ferociously horny online. Specifically, on Twitter. The catch here is that these men aren’t your quintessential creeps with the stereotypical traits of repulsive, sex-deprived loners. In fact, they come in the form of bodybuilders, marines, Texas boys, bass masters, pseudo-H&M models, student athletes, D4 baseball players, and fraternity lads. The second catch is that their cries of desperation for vaginal penetration (intentional rhyme) are actually being positively reinforced with massive amounts of retweets, likes, praise, and most strangely — reciprocated horniness. Exhibit A:

At first glance, this is just an awful tweet. But if you actually take the time to read it carefully, you’ll notice that it’s still a fucking awful tweet, but beneath its exterior lies a disturbing amount of horniness and a treacherous yearning for female attention. You’d think that a desperate plea for sexually-based relations, like this one from Chase, would be considered especially heinous by most people, wouldn’t you? Wrong.

Over 148 THOUSAND people were feeling this one. Chase’s carnal cry for coochie captured more likes and retweets than the combined capacity of the Cowboys’ and Cardinals’ NFL stadiums.

Then, I made the mistake of scuba diving down into the darkest trenches of the replies and what I discovered was ominous:

Far below tweet level, just as my oxygen tank started running out, I observed what appeared to be a school of Lake House-Craving Nursing Majors, Vine-Quoting Delta Gammas, The Office Thread-Making Dog Moms, and Live Laugh Love Poster-Owning Wine Enthusiasts EATING that tweet up like Humpback Whales feeding on plankton. Just devouring it like Joey Chestnut coming off a three-day hunger strike. It was actually fascinating.

lmao

Take a look at this psychological phenomenon of human behavior. He essentially tweeted, “I’m so fucking lonely” and his notifications quickly became filled with more Savannahs than the continent of Africa and more Ashes than a conce..Pokémon Convention

More Paiges than a Tolkien novel and more Allies than World War I…

More Alexas than an Amazon wareho…nevermind.


Let’s revisit this Shakespearean ballad of a tweet. 83.3 thousand people read this shit and consciously decided to pulverize the like button. A modern marvel. The thinly-veiled horniness and general laziness at attempting to respect women wasn’t enough to stop this gem from tricking tens of thousands of people into buying into its sincerity. Honestly, props to this guy. I’m almost positive that no man referring to girls as “princesses” has ever been remotely serious. Even in the Middle Ages, the Kings and Dukes would mockingly say shit like “they don’t pay you enough for this, princess” to the female serfs, as they slaved away on the fields.

He even tossed an “lol” at the end of it. This man couldn’t even type out the words “depressed” and “mentally unstable” without laughing audibly. Nevertheless, she persisted to like the tweet. Mental illness and unfathomable sadness? Absolutely hilarious shit to Andre, but also…he loves you.

Reverse Psychology

As Ryan pointed out, these three whippersnappers attempted to implement psychological techniques in order to mask their sexual desires and manipulate others into believing the opposite of what was actually true. Just another day in the laboratory for these masterminds of cognitive trickery.

Blatant Horniness

No subtlety here. NINE TIMES as horny. And as much as I’d like to ignore the unnerving fact that he described himself as “twerky”, I simply cannot. The spine-chilling visual of this guy drunkenly twerking with a noticeable erection, because his natural horniness has multiplied several times over, is something that I refuse to imagine in solitude.

Okay.

Straightforward. To the point. No deceiving tricks or hidden agendas. The only acceptable form of online horniness. A true ambassador of the brand.

Other Examples

Okay, you get the point. I’m done here. Bottom line is that there’s an endless amount of tweets like this and they’re becoming more and more common each day. Honestly, they don’t really affect me in any way so I don’t really care. I guess I just feel secondhand embarrassment for these guys. I’d like to think that one day in the near future, they’ll look back on their Twitter antics and cringe off into the moonlight.

Shoutout to people like @callmeshitto, @yeetztweetz, @xMangojuice, and @OlStupidHeadAss for consistently raising awareness to this issue and exposing me to content for this article.

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