The Chronicles of Your MCM

This morning, as I was conducting a symphony orchestra with my bowels in the Starbuck’s bathroom, I came to the sad realization that my caffeine tolerance has reached a point where I solely experience the negative side effects of consuming coffee, without actually benefitting from it in any way. Approximately 35 minutes later, I found myself in that same bathroom, staring at my reflection in the mirror while half-washing my hands, and having yet another slightly discouraging moment of clarity: I’m a fucking loser.

I think it was the combination of my Great Clips trainee-crafted haircut, the general appearance of my face, and the repugnant sauce stain on my ill-fitting $4.99 H&M t-shirt. The variables don’t matter, though. What’s important is that I was able to arrive at that conclusion, and after some careful research and analysis, I surprisingly discovered that being a loser is not only NOT a bad thing anymore, but it’s a beacon of hope and prosperity. You might think I’m just being overly optimistic about my recent self-diagnosis, but hear me out.

Adult males, as a whole, are so pathetic that even the ones who are considered desirable enough to be “man crushes” have become synonymous with losers and buffoons. Don’t know what I’m talking about? The modern MCM, colloquially referred to as “ur mcm” or “ya mcm,” is the theoretical boyfriend or male crush who notoriously serves as the butt of jokes aiming to poke fun at a specific guy or type of guys, while simultaneously disparaging women for their poor taste in men.

Over the past few years, the joke format has not only managed to blow up in terms of massive popularity, but it’s shown a unique ability to stand the test of time and remain fresh, especially when done correctly.

The jokes range from lighthearted to spiteful and from vague to oddly-specific, but they all have the same underlying theme, which isn’t a joke at all: women are incessantly dating and pursuing losers. We did it, fellas. By sucking so much shit for so long, we collectively managed to lower the bar to such shallow depths for ourselves, that even deadbeats and cretins are lurking near the top of our gender’s food chain.

Also, ladies, I know this only applies to an obnoxious minority, but I feel the need to preemptively say “shut the fuck up” to those of you who will try to spin this into some kind of “all men are trash” narrative. That’s not what I’m going for here, so please exit out of this and immediately block me.

Let’s examine the different breeds of MCMs and get a more in-depth look at why it can pay off to be unbelievably wack:

The Creamed Cornballs

If a monkey emoji gained sentience and then went on a shopping spree at Pac Sun, the result would be one of these guys. This is the archetype of Noah Centennial and Weekly Chris descendants. The dudes who sacrifice their integrity as a man/person in order to try to appeal to girls (mostly underage) and manipulate potential sexual partners, while seemingly having no decent friends to properly flame them for their actions.

This mirror-admiring, ab-rolling, lip-biting breed of MCM is usually some combination of conventionally attractive, narcissistic, sociopathic, pedophiliac, and attention-starved. To the people who don’t lack basic awareness skills, these guys are extremely easy to roast and their motives are transparent.

Let’s imagine I had a crush on the short, blonde girl from my Biology class and over the course of the semester, we gradually started becoming more flirtatious with each other. I’d send her personalized snapchats of myself lip-syncing in my Subaru and she’d respond 6 hours later with a wacky video of her roommate that also went to 29 other people. Standard “talking stage” shit. Let’s also imagine that one night, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little snooping around the nooks and crannies of her Twitter page. All was going well, nothing too suspicious and then, out of nowhere, I came across…

This fucking guy camping out directly in her favorites; just carelessly lounging and making himself feel at home. Let’s imagine I felt equal parts betrayed by her disloyalty and violated by his tongue. Let’s imagine I continued to scroll, only to see more and more of him — posted up all over her favorites in different stances and positions, overwhelming me with jealousy and providing me with a full tank of nightmare fuel.

I don’t know anything about this gentleman, so I’m not going to make any negative assumptions about him, but if this was a real life scenario and I did happen to catch my girl liking his pictures, I’d maybe tweet something like, “your mcm showed up to the pregame uninvited, confiscated the aux to play Russ Radio on Pandora, and then forced his boys to repetitively take pictures of him posing with his tongue out from various angles.”

The lad I just described sounds treacherously lame, right? Well, he stole my hypothetical bitch and thus, solidified himself as a modern MCM.

The Traditional Losers

These are the type of guys who are objectively and undoubtedly losers— no questions asked. They possess the amplified qualities and characteristics that have historically been associated with the act of losing or failing in life. Fortunately, or unfortunately; however you want to look at it, the stock for Traditional Losers has been progressively going up throughout the past decade and they’re currently one of the most common MCM breeds.

In the hierarchy of males, as far as desirability goes, an unemployed, 6’0” community college dropout with a tattoo sleeve and a methamphetamine addiction is above an Ivy League engineering student with a 4.0 GPA and a full-ride.

The Mild to Moderate Losers

This might come across as a humble brag, but I’d place myself snugly in this category. We’re just regular, functioning members of society, who also happen to be fucking losers. We have college degrees and jobs (ladies), but we’re still jarringly stupid and perpetually broke. We have friends, but we’re still lame as shit and antisocial. We’re aware of fashion trends, but we’re still swagless. We have parents in our lives, but we’re still dealing with unresolved childhood trau…nevermind.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m not anyone’s MCM, but I have found myself reading “your mcm” tweets in the past and thinking to myself, “fuck” as in “fuck, this directly applies to me.” So by the transitive property, I am someone’s MCM and a lot of my fellow Mild-Moderate Losers are, as well.

The Quasi Losers

The term, “loser” can be ambiguous and often times, subjective, especially when describing adult males — there’s a blurred line in today’s society between loser and non loser. This is where the Quasi Loser breed of MCM comes into play. They typically have traits that put them in the upper echelon of winners, but conflictingly have traits that are commonly associated with bottom-dwelling losers.

Take, for example, Mark Zuckerburg. From a professional and financial standpoint, with his $70+ billion net worth, he’s about as far from a loser as humanly possible. But if you examined his personality traits or looked at him from a social point of view, he’s…well, a disgrace. People, like Elon Musk, Kevin Durant, OJ Simpson, Drake Bell, and Louis CK also might fall in this category. They’re fitting to be the punchline of a pungent “your mcm” joke, but also probably capable of stealing your bitch and/or purchasing her silence.

The Non Losers

If you’re still reading this right now, then by default, you don’t fall in this category. Originally, the #MCM hashtag was intended to be used alongside pictures of this breed of guys, but then girls got overconfident and started posting their actual boyfriends, which had a “yikes” effect on the internet, and thus, served as the catalyst for the rise of “your mcm” jokes.

The Closeted Losers

These are the MCMs who are either in denial about being a loser or they’re wildly insecure and attempt to compensate by being as douchey and arrogant as possible. They’re usually college-aged and still have a naive perception of the world. They probably also have a Wolf of Wall Street-inspired cocaine addiction and a fictional knee injury that prevented them from going D1.

The Frustrated Losers (Not MCMs)

This is the breed of loser who has never been anyone’s MCM and most likely never will be anyone’s MCM, and as a result, has a personal grudge against the entire female population. For simplicity’s sake, these are the poster boys for gun control. I don’t want to stereotype the whole Incel Community because it consists of some fine, upstanding citizens, but yes, I’m referring to the Incel Community.

Alright, that’s that on that. I’m sure I missed several different breeds and sub-breeds of losers and MCMs, but the moral of the story is…I honestly don’t know.

Fellas, this guy shows up to your girl’s pregame uninvited and starts forcing her to read his Medium blogs, wyd?