What’s That Smell?
A History of No Holds Barred
I. Cyndi Lauper, MTV and the WWF
In the early 1980’s Vince McMahon was in his mid-30s and bought the WWF from his retiring father. Before Vince turned it into the WWE empire we know now, pro-wrestling was mostly regional — the WWF at that time encompassed the Northeast from Maine to DC. Vince wanted more. He wanted to bring wrestling into the mainstream. To do this, he set his mind on aquireingneeded two things: a superstar and national exposure.
For his superstar, he wooed Terry Boella, aka Hulk Hogan, back from a rival company. Boella had made an impression with a small but memorable role in Rocky III, and Vince lured him back with a promise of the Championship Belt. Hogan wasn’t the best technical wrestler, but he really knew how to sell a match, and had boundless charisma. Soon after signing on Hulk got his Belt, and Vince got his superstar.
Which left him with the problem of breaking into the national mainstream. A problem that found an unexpected solution when rising pop-star Cyndi Lauper boarded an airplane and was seated next to Captain Lou Albano, an ex-wrestler turned WWF Manager who wore flashy hawaiian shirts and decorated his facial hair and facial piercings with dangling colored rubber bands.
The two recognized a cult camp sensibility in each other, and became friends. Lauper hired Captain Lou to play her father in the Girls Just Want to Have Fun video. In turn Captain Lou got Cyndi to come on a WWF talk show, Piper’s Pit, where they invented a rivalry to be settled through a women’s wrestling match. Thanks to Lauper’s involvement, the WWF branded match aired on MTV.
What began as a silly excuse for Captain Lou and Cynid Lauper to work together ended up setting the stage for the WWF’s first pay per view event. Having reconciled after the MTV match, Captain Lou was presenting Lauper an award for her women’s rights work. During the ceremony Rowdy Piper rushed in and “attacked” Lauper and Captain Lou. Which, of course, led to Mr. T teaming up with Hulk Hogan to fight a tag team match against Piper in the very first Wrestlemania.
The event brought in 4 million in pay per view sales. MTV, which had been instrumental in building the audience for the event, got no proceeds. They tried to work out a partnership with McMahon for future events. But Vince had already used them for the national exposure he needed. The WWF/MTV partnership was over. (Though I hope Captain Lou and Cyndi remained pals.)
Two years after that WWF would reach the pinnacle of 80’s wrestling success. Vince built up an epic rivalry between Hulk Hogan and wrestling legend Andre the Giant for Wrestlemania 3. It was a phenomenon. I remember watching it as a kid and literally pulling my hair out when I thought Hulk was going to lose. Wrestlemania 3 broke the indoor attendance record for sporting events and brought in $10 million in pay per view rentals.This gave its superstar, Hulk Hogan, the cache to do just about anything he wanted.
Unfortunately for wrestling fans at the time, and fortunately for fans of garbage movies, Hulk wanted to be an actor. He gave up the Championship Belt for the first time in 4 years to go off and star in a big Hollywood movie.
II. The Making of No Holds Barred
Vince put $20 million of his own money to make the feature, paying Hulk $1 million to star. They hired Dennis Hacken, who worked with Clint Eastwood on Bronco Billy, to write the script; but Hulk and Vince weren’t happy with what he turned in.
So, because they’re professionals and rational men, Vince and Hulk locked themselves in a hotel room for 72 hours straight to give it an extensive polish. They seemed to fly through it, at least until the finale. Hogan writes in his memoir…
“No matter how hard we worked on (the ending), we couldn’t get it right. So I told Vince, ‘The hell with it. I’ve got to go to the can.’ I was so tired that as soon as my ass hit the seat, my eyes closed and I started daydreaming. And in my daydream the whole fight scene was playing itself out, and you know what? It was great.”
So the next time you watch the finale of this film, keep in mind that it was conceived while Hulk was sleep deprived, probably on coke, definitely on steroids, and taking a shit. Which might explain all the grunting?
With the 6'7" Hulk Hogan as the lead actor, they needed to cast someone who could look intimidating next to him. Enter Tony “Tiny” Lister. He was 6’5” and had a scarred eye from being born with a detached retina. Lister had been in a few films and tv shows before — he was initially discovered by director Walter Hill — but Lister saw Zeus as his break-out opportunity.
He auditioned for the role in character: shaved a Z in his head, got “Zeus Shoes” with lifts in them so he’d look taller than Hulk, and just before going into his audition, did push-ups and lathered himself up in baby oil to get all glisteny and intense. Lister got the part, and seems to have only fond memories of the movie, except one instance. He and Hulk developed a safe word for when they were sparring: “Free James Brown.” Hogan says. “We both loved James Brown’s music so, if he was choking me too tight or I was choking him too tight, we’d say, ‘Free James Brown.” But, Hulk still managed to break Lister’s nose during the filming of the final match. Lister, nose broken and bleeding, looked up and asked Hulk, “What about James Brown?’”
Hulk had a hard time not hurting his co-stars in the movie. Kurt Fuller, who plays Ted Turner stand-in “Brell,” told the AV Club “there was a scene (where Hulk) is supposed to shove a check down my throat…But nobody told him that, on movies, you fake it. In wrestling, they really do a lot of the stuff. But he shoved a check down… my… throat. And I couldn’t stop him. I literally thought I was going to die.”
Nobody died though, and No Holds Barred was released on June 2, 1989. It was #2 at the box office its first week, after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Hulk notes in his memoir, that in the second week No Holds Barred was out, it finished ahead of Ghostbusters 2. Which is true. But only because Ghostbusters 2 didn’t come out until No Hold’s Barred’s third week.
In total No Holds Barred made $16 million. Which is about $33 million today. And, when you watch it, that seems like far too much. Unlike Macho Man, Vince McMahon was disappointed in the production. He put $20 million in and didn’t make that back. Not counting any lost revenue from Hulk’s year away from the ring.
III. After No Holds Barred: Heels and Heroes
Vince McMahon seemed to be inspired by Brell, the villain he created. In the movie No Holds Barred, Brell is evil because he doesn’t care if he hurts others, and exploits the worst impulses of humanity for financial gain. In the 90’s, the steroid scandal rocked the wrestling world. Ratings were falling, and Vince knew he couldn’t go back to the goody-goody two shoes antics of 80’s WWF. So he changed course, amping up the sex and violence. In one interview, Vince mock-threatens to have a wrestler’s house burned down by terrorists, his children kidnapped, and his wife raped by a motorcycle gang. He also started making the stunts bigger without ensuring they were safer — leading to the death of Owen Hart, and life-long injuries for many other wrestlers. But, like Brell’s plan, it worked. The WWE is on track to bring in over a billion dollars this year alone, and Vince himself is worth about $2 billion.
On to Hulk. In No Holds Barred, one of the worst things a wrestler can do is leave his current contract just because another network offered to pay more. But in 1994, that’s exactly what Hogan did. He took Ted Turner’s check and left the WWF to join the WCW. Also since after the steroids revelations tarnished his image, Hulk had to turn heel and play the bad guy.
Life imitates art. In 2006, Hulk’s best friend Bubba the Love Sponge convinced a mid-divorce Hulk to have sex with Bubba’s wife on tape for Bubba to watch later. On that tape Hulk would use the N-word multiple times, whinging about his daughter’s interracial relationships while he himself was indulging in Bubba the Love Sponge’s cuck-kink. In 2012 Gawker published portions of the tape, for which Hulk sued. As part of the defense, Gawker lawyers played a video of Hogan bragging about his 10” penis on Bubba’s radio show. They argued that Hogan was a public figure who made his sexuality public. Bollea then testified that while Hulk Hogan has a 10”inch penis that he brags about in public, Terry Bollea is a private citizen whose own penis is much, much smaller. Making Boella a member, along with Ordway and Unger, of the No Holds Barred “Teeny Wanger” gang.
When I started researching, I thought it would be cool if Zeus turned out to be the real life hero of the movie. And Lister seems like a mostly affable and humble guy, in interviews constantly points out how blessed his life is. But, while he isn’t as much of a heel as Vince McMahon, it’s a bit hard to see him as a heroic figure. A few years ago he plead guilty for his involvement in a real estate scam where he embezzled millions. He also has this deep seated, life-long issue of really, really weird homophobia.
He doesn’t seem to have anything against other people being gay, but has a Popstar — Connor 4Real — type of way of constantly bringing up that he’s “Not Gay.” When he was originally approached by Vince to wrestle in the WWF he said “I didn’t want to touch dudes. I’m not into touching dudes.” Money changed his mind, but he also negotiated to get his own locker room, which not even Hogan had, so he wouldn’t have to shower with other men. He later made a prison movie where his character was supposed to have sex with a man in jail, but Lister made them hire an actress as a body double for the simulated sex. And, perhaps oddest of all, in Human Centipede 3, he was supposed to be in the back of the centipede, but insisted that he be in the front instead because, somehow, being at the front of a human centipede was more hetero. So while he may not be a terrible guy, he definitely needs some therapy.
I did find one seemingly genuine good guy in No Holds Barred: the director, Thomas J. Wright. He was an artist who got his start in the entertainment industry doing the paintings that introduced each episode of Rod Serling’s Night Gallery, and moved on to create storyboards for films, including Family Plot, Andromeda Strain, and Apocalypse Now. Directors Robert Wise and Alfred Hitchcock liked him so much, they sponsored him for membership in the Director’s Guild. Wright soon started directing shows like Max Headroom and Beauty and the Beast, while doing second unit work on films like Beverly Hills Cop and Howard the Duck. No Holds Barred was his biggest movie, but he would go on to direct episodes of X-Files and The Wire, and was a key creative producer on Millennium and Supernatural. Anything I admire anything about No Holds Barred — maybe the tracking shot backlit by sparks in the steel mill — I credit to Thomas J. Wright. Anything terrible — so most of the movie — I blame on Vince and Hulk.
Random Trivia
Classic film fans will note that It Happened One Night’s “Wall of Jericho” inspires one scene.
When the No Holds Barred robbers enter the diner, they tell all the customers to put their valuables on the table. Perhaps Tarantino used this as inspiration for Pumpkin and Honey Bunny’s diner robbery in Pulp Fiction?
Randy, Rip’s brother, is the absolute worst, but the actor must have been a nice guy because he played a recurring character on Thomas J. Wright’s Supernatural.
The music was scored by Jim Johnston: who did the entrance themes for Undertaker, The Rock and Steve Austin.
The set decorator worked on School Daze and Eight Men Out, and did an amazing job. Whenever you get bored, just look around at the props and art design. Especially the graffiti in the underground bar scene.
Zeus/Lister had a memorable scene in Dark Knight, but isn’t the only No Holds Barred actor to appear in a Batman movie. The actor who played Lugwrench Perkins was Bain in Batman and Robin.
Samantha is reading a book while they are in the hospital after Randy gets injured. The title is obscured, but the book is: Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize A Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart. (Props to the “Whatcha Gonna Do” podcast for solving that mystery.)
John Cameron Mitchell of Hedwig and the Angry Inch is apparently in an audience scene.
(Adapted from an introduction to a 35mm screening at the Brooklyn Alamo Drafthouse. Most of the WWF history is thanks to Shaun Assael and Mike Mooneyham’s Sex, Lies and Headlocks)
