The Evil Business Model Canvas
By our renowned consultant, Mephistopheles.
In the past few decades we have given a very warm welcome to scores of consultants, and this old devil has learned a thing or two about modern business. In the spirit of paying forward, let me share with you my latest invention: The Evil Business Model Canvas™ (use #eBMC).
In case someone by the name of Alex Osterwalder claims that I stole his idea, just ask the patent office of Sudan, and they will point you kindly towards the office of the true copyright holder. They will tell you to “go to hell.”
As you know, I am quite a man of action—or to be precise—a preternatural being of action. So let’s get straight to some case studies of the eBMC™. Like the nine circles of hell, there are different levels of evil in using the canvas:
Level 1: Monitization of Power
My favorite metaphysical law is #253: “any system created by man can be gamed by man” (my apologies to the ladies; these laws were written quite some time ago). For new users of the eBMC™, or “n00bs” to those of us in the know, I recommend starting with gaming the system of free enterprise.
In case you have been hiding under a rock (or North Korea) in the last century, the system of free enterprise requires one to create value for others—like giving a haircut or creating an iPhone app. The trained eBMC™ practitioner will immediately notice that this system has scalability issues. Creating value requires work, and creating a lot of value requires innovation. Both of these things are obviously hard and their results are extremely unreliable (entrepreneurs, for instance, are expected to fail most of the time).
Gaming the system of free enterprise, on the other hand, doesn’t require you to produce anything of value. Instead, you simply need to do what I call Monitization of Power (MOP)™ or what boring academics call “rent seeking.” This strategy scales beautifully along with the amount of power you wield.
One of the most common applications of MOP™ is ensuring monopoly for an otherwise value-based business. I have signed an NDA so I could not go into too much detail, but a client of mine, a local politician, ensures the 10,000% ROI of his daughter’s kiddie party business by providing a party clown to each birthday of each of his constituents, “giving happier birthdays from the cradle to the grave” (that’s lifted straight from their brochure). By using MOP™ he ensures reliability, scalability and profitability of his daughter’s business. Here is how the business model looks like in the eBMC™:
I have seen the MOP™ strategy work with a diversity of businesses—from real estate, to agriculture, to education, to frame-nudging. Silicon Valley VCs are fond of the phrase “obscene profit margins,” but they really have no idea what obscene means.
Pro-tip: MOP™ is ideal when there is a certain level of rule of law. In fact, the more laws there are the more opportunities for MOP™. However, if rule of law in your business environment is weak, I would suggest the strategy of Impunity™ instead. The matrix below will help you in this important decision. Impunity™ is discussed in the next sections: Level 2 and Level 3.
“Use your opponent’s strengths to your advantage.” — Steven Segal
Level 2: Monitization of Injustice
It’s cute how people nowadays use reverse-euphemisms. “Hustling,” for instance, doesn’t involve any victims, and “hacking” is done by mostly harmless geeks staring at electronic screens, and has nothing to do with swords, axes and chunks of human flesh.
To demonstrate the next level of using the eBMC™, let me present to you an authentic hustler from a location that will remain undisclosed (again, I’m bound to an NDA). According to the libelous fabrications of a fly-by-night newspaper, this is how this evil business model allegedly looks like:
- Lawmakers get to decide how to use people’s taxes. It’s called “pork barrel” (it’s a long story).
- Our hustler sets up legal entities that are supposed to implement the projects of these lawmakers.
- Stroke of genius: they don’t do the project. ~85% of the money goes to the lawmakers, ~15% goes to our hustler, and everyone involved gets a large enough chunk to keep them happy.
Here’s how a news program called “Good Morning Club” diagrams it:
The eBMC™ is of course an undoubtedly superior way of presenting this. I led a strategic planning workshop with my unnamed client’s team using the eBMC™ and this is the output:
In less open-minded societies this business model is known by judgmental names like “graft” or “plunder.” As long as you act with Impunity™ though, it doesn’t matter what it is called. Just take a look at the comparative returns between work based on value vs this example of an evil business model:
Levels 1 and 2 are really just my recruitment funnel for Level 3. The smarter ones quickly grasp that in the eBMC™, ROI is directly proportional to evil. I open Level 3 to the more ruthless ones. They sign me up for a long-term engagement. I give them riches beyond their imaginings, and I bring them to depths they have never dreamt of.
Level 3: Monitization of Evil
Time for serious business. You’re a smart mortal. I’m guessing you know where this is heading.
First off, you need to let go of this idea called Free Enterprise. This takes lots of work and requires you to create value. I give you several alternatives:
- Level 1, Monetization of Power: entry level strategy. More money for less work and less value.
- Level 2, Monetization of Injustice: once you transcend the human concept of “justice,” you can make even more money.
- Level 3, Monetization of Evil: Just sign on the dotted line. You won’t regret it, I promise. Many mortals have outsourced the management of their earthly and eternal lives to me, and we have created history. Below is an example of the handiwork of some of your predecessors. With just a bit of depravity, I’m sure you could top this, and make your own mark on history.
