Announcing My Availabilty as Write-in Candidate for POTUS

Some have expressed dissatisfaction with the current crop of presidential candidates. I’m actually a Sanders supporter, but I’m willing to do my patriotic duty and offer myself up as a write-in candidate for President of the United States. I’ll do it for my family. I’ll do it for my country. I’ll do it because I could use a full time job with benefits. I’ve been freelancing a while, and it’s always good to have a steady paycheck.

I clearly don’t have time to get a SuperPac going or even create any campaign ads to blitz the Super Tuesday states by next week, so hopefully the word from this blog post will spread like wildfire, and a groundswell of grassroots support will save the country from the Trump juggernaut.

My Qualifications:

  • Beat Leukemia with humor, sass and impressive self-advocacy skills. Growing expertise of healthcare system ongoing.
  • Over a decade in advertising, 6 years in the music business and 2 in theatre have prepared me for the dysfunction of government.
  • Excellent people-management skills from years as Resource Manager in ad agencies.
  • Have found multitudes of people jobs as a freelance Recruiter.
  • Adept at assisting employees meet unrealistic expectations with limited time and budgets.
  • Don’t take any bullshit from anyone but confident I can charm Putin.

My Platform

  • Whip Pathetic Congress into Shape: This is probably the most important thing on the menu. I will use intimidation, blackmail (expose or create scandalous personal details like Grindr accounts, creepy collectible items or weird family stuff), and Ice Cream Bar Fridays (complete with a myriad of toppings to choose from) to get these jackasses to fall in line and govern like they’re supposed to.
  • Fix Healthcare Industry: Fine hospitals and doctors that waste the time of patients and other resources. Routinely audit insurance companies for the same bullshit and fine the shit out of them too. Put fines into Medicare and Medicaid programs.
  • Limit what drug companies can spend on marketing Websites they never launch and pass savings onto consumers (you’d be AMAZED — and they claim it’s all research and development. Total bullshit).
  • Encourage all private companies to adopt Ice Cream Bar Fridays. Or at least Pizza Thursdays.
  • Reduce military spending by curtailing the manufacture of outdated weapons and focus on creating warp drive technology.
  • Create Renewable Energy initiatives to wrest the business away from other, more-forward thinking countries who will make all of the money off this if we don’t get on this NOW.
  • Strengthening Endangered Species Act, Clean Water Act, Clean Air Act, women’s rights, LGBT rights, rights for all marginalized people and critters, etc.
  • Make America Great Again! Don’t ask me what that actually means. I just heard that’s what people want. No one ever articulates what specifics they have in mind.

So on Primary Day in your fine state, feel free to use me as your write-in candidate, and together we will Take This Country Back! Don’t ask me what that means either. I just know it’s important.

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