Courage over Fear

Post-grad life is a fat smack in the face with quarter life crisis, but it’s good for growth. It is my wish to share a part of me with y’all before I throw myself into the real world. Below is a little passage I wrote just because. I woke up and realized that I was feeling certain emotions due to past memories and I needed to be at peace with it. To the people who have graduated and are grinding towards grad school or jobs, and to the undergrads who are still feeling out their career decisions- I hope you all can find some inspiration in this passage to be braver and bolder, and continue to live fulfilling lives. To the rowers, college friends, DEM family, high school friends, and everyone else in between, thank you for inspiring me to grow into the person I am today.

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(There is a small fear here of the reaction that my audience will produce as a result of this passage. How will they respond? What will they think of me? But I choose to quiet those thoughts, because this topic is important to me, and I wish to share it with the people who are important to me.)

If any of you knew me long enough, I bet you have witnessed the stoic person I used to be. Suppressing my emotions and insecurities — resulting in a double-edged sword effect of suppressing my charisma and uniqueness as well — I have worn many masks throughout my life. Growing up, I was raised in fear by my single mother. She is an immigrant-boat-person-refugee from the Vietnam war, so it is no surprise to me that she pressed the resulting mentality of that experience subconsciously onto me. Fear of losing her life, fear of never making it in this life, fear of never being able to feel the nostalgic feeling of home because her country had been overthrown, my mother had adopted a survival mentality as a result. I empathize for my mom, and all that she has gone through, and can only do my best to grasp and understand her without having the traumatic experience that she did. Fast forward to my existence, she probably wanted to ensure that I would be equipped with the same mentalities that she utilized to survive in this world, to ensure my survival. I can’t speak for other stereotypical crazy “Asian” families, but through the lens of my small family of two, the strict childhood lifestyle I had — resulting in the desire for acknowledgement, love, security, and friends — has really haunted me and bred inside of me a life of fear until this recent year.

Fear. It will always be present in our lives. What matters is if we choose to live in fear, or acknowledge the fear. Acknowledging fear is the first step to all the great things that follow. Acknowledging fear gives us the opportunity to be brave, and to be at peace. Acknowledging fear and coming to peace with it allows us to fully accept our current standing and progression — that we are enough. Through accepting our imperfections and telling ourselves that it’s okay, we can act upon the things we desire deep down.

For example:

If you know that you are not the best at public speaking, try reciting this in your mind next time the fear arises, “I know I’m not completely comfortable with addressing crowds right now, and that’s okay. I’m going to do my best and enjoy the awkward process that might ensue. I can only become comfortable in my own skin and conquer my fear if I act upon it. My nerves will be there, but I can use that to excite myself for the presentation that’s about to come.”

If you know that you are not the best at being confident in how your life will turn out, try this when fear arises, “It is okay to not know. I plan, fantasize, and envision because I want control of my fear. I want to get rid of it, but instead I will embrace the tranquility of not knowing. Ignorance is bliss, and life is all about discovery. The journey is the destination, and I will enjoy the ride in figuring everything out. Bit by bit, I know life will fall into place as long as I keep opening up opportunities for myself and do my best in them. I will be a person who pours his heart into the present, because that’s such a great way to cherish my life. I will allow myself to be at peace and dedicate my energy towards progression, not mitigation.”

If you know that you are not the best at conveying your feelings, being understood, and connecting, try this when fear arises, “I know I am nervous with how this person will take my message. They may reject me, they may not. My ego and fear is what’s stopping me from saying what I want to say. I’m scared to be vulnerable, but I can only connect if I show some vulnerability. This may be very awkward, but I accept that I’m a goof at this and won’t take myself too seriously. After all, the message is intended to impact and focus on the other person, not myself. “

If you know that you are not the best at being yourself, try this when the fear arises, “I know that I may weird this person out, so I will take this slowly. However, I will not compromise a part of my personality to mimic the other person’s personality. I will be true to myself and stand for the things I stand for, because only then will I find the people who are authentic and like me for who I am, not for who I portray myself to be. I am COOL.”

Acknowledge it, learn from it, thank it — do not let it control you. Allow yourself to take the leaps of faith, because vulnerability is the key to achieving what you desire. To put yourself on the line for the risk of failure and sadness, is to equally put yourself on the line for success and happiness. I now live a much more fulfilling life, where fear is very much present, but instead I choose to react to it differently.

To wrap up all this ramble, I want to end with something my favorite teacher at UCI once told me, “Fear shows up so YOU can show up.”

Now go own the life that you live.