Moments Like These…..

Do you ever wish that you could just go back in time? I am sure most of us do. In asking that question, you are probably already thinking which ‘time period’ you would go back to. In this case, I am asking about going back to a time in your life, wanting to recapture a precious moment and visit it again. Maybe your wedding day? Maybe a graduation, or a place you have been. Maybe a special experience you had never having one like it again. Maybe it was a day you didn’t know was special then, but would give just about anything to have it again. Was it the moment you looked into the eyes of your child for the first time? Are there moments you are still waiting for, but imagine them often?

I know I have several moments. Some I just savor and cherish in my mind. Others make me want to go back, knowing what I know now and just have them a little longer. There was the moment that I stepped onto the sand and gazed out at the ocean for the very first time in my life. I was 16 and still remember ever aspect of that moment. I told myself then, ‘remember this!’ I had waited so long to see, it, hear, it, smell it, and it was everything I had imagined it would be. Powerful. Beautiful. Serene. Another moment was when I stepped onto a professional stage for the first time. I had dreamed of something like that my whole life up until then. I was 24 and about to audition for a contract. But once I found the ‘X’ I was to stand on, before I looked into the faces of the people who would potentially hire me, I remember just taking a moment to look out into the empty seats. Take in the beauty of the Theatre and recognize that if I never stepped foot on that stage again, at least I was here now; and that was enough. I remember smiling and saying to myself “So this is what it is like?!” I am sure that moment is on camera as they recorded the auditions. I don’t think I stopped smiling. I wanted to make the very most of that moment. After all it was my first one and possibly my last one. Eventually I did receive a contract and was able to enjoy many more moments on that stage. Each one very special to me. I remember looking into my future husband’s face for the first time. And as soon as I did, I knew I would be looking at that face for the rest of my life. I missed the moment my daughter was born because in the hour before her birth, her life was almost lost. A peaceful, anticipated moment became an emergency situation in a matter of minutes. They had to put me under and get her out. Just in time….a few more minutes and we would not have her today. In a moment when life and death hung in the balance, I was reminded that God knew this was going to happen, and prepared all of us in some unseen way. It was a reminder that every moment of our lives God is with us and doing so many things that we cannot see or know. Hours later I was able to look into my sweet baby’s face for the first time. I will never forget it nor all of the feelings that followed it. It was weeks before I even understood the enormity of the situation. I was so drugged up and sore from the operation. I was oblivious that by the grace of God my daughter was in my arms, sleeping and healthy. But what if it had ended differently? Would I still view God’s grace differently? I am very glad that I will never know.

The older I get, I realize more and more that at any moment things can change. You are looking into your baby’s face and the next thing you know, they are looking back at you years later. How does it go so fast? I am learning to recognize each moment for what it is and treasure it. You may never get another one like it. In some ways that makes me very sad. But in other ways it reminds me that each and every moment brings me one step closer to where I am meant to be and knowing that is how life is supposed to go.

Recently my sweet Grandmother was told that she will be unable to return home. Just like that. A situation that was supposed to be minor and be taken care of in a matter of weeks, has taken away her independence and life as she knew it months later. Through cloudy tears, she stated that she just wants to go “HOME”. You see, my Grandma is almost 94. She has lived a full, sometimes hard, eventful, long life. She has served others and her family so well. She has never been a complainer and never backed away from working hard. She never quit learning or growing. She has loved and lived and trusted the very best way that she knew how. She knows that this world is not her home. Nor is it where she wants to be anymore. She knows that at the end of the day, HOME is where her Savior is. And what better place is there to reside? There are things she will miss while she is here. Mostly, her dog Annie. She will miss the sound of her wind chimes above her kitchen sink that play the sweetest melody when the breeze catches them. She will miss the way the sun shines through her windows at a certain angle. She will miss unexpected visits from her grandchildren and great grandchildren, sitting at her kitchen table drinking coffe and eating Payne’s pizza. Talking about life as we knew it and the life that is now. But most of all she will miss all that has been familiar to her the past 10 years. She has lost her husband, one of her sons, a grandson, all of whom she loved so deeply. I am sure she has spent many nights in her chair weeping over the loss of them, her heart breaking over the thought that she wished it had been her instead. But you see, until every moment of your life that has been ordained for you is lived out, your home must be here.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that just two years ago, Grandma taught me how to make bread in her kitchen. I watched her old weathered hands kneading over and over, thinking and wondering how much those hands have done and how many lives they have touched. The other day I told my husband that I didn’t think it was fair that Grandma had to continue to suffer. As hard and painful as it is, I have begun to ask God to just take her home. Let her broken, tired, worn out body find rest for the first time in her life. Let her be free and able to sit in the presence of Jesus and look into the face she often spoke of. I want her to be able to hear Him say, “Well done Christina. You have done what I have asked, you have been faithful, you have lived well.” Of course I have no idea how the conversation will go, I can only imagine it will bring that beautiful smile back to her face. You see, there have been many moments that Grandma could have done without, but she accepted each one and made the best of it. A true example of a survivor and perhaps it is because of her that I no longer live just ‘getting by’. I don’t want to look back and wish I had captured all that life had to offer and done more with it.

At the end of the day, we all have something we would like to do again. A conversation we wish we could have, a hug, a smile we long to see. But when they are gone, sometimes there is no getting them back. I was reflecting this past week on those that I love the most. My brother that I have lost, wishing so very much I could tell him something, but realizing I have to accept that I cannot. Letting him go again. My Grandma who I know I will not have very much longer. Why do the good ones have to go? But alas I know that such is life. My husband who I do not see often enough at this point in time, but I know the time is coming where we will once again connect and resume the familiar flow that is our life. My kids who because of the moments in our life that have impacted us the most, I have learned well not to take even one for granted. As we have seen, they can be taken away at any time. I reflect on this particular picture that I have included in this post. It captured the moment when my Beautiful Grandma looked into the face of her second son for the first time. Not every defining moment in our lives is captured. But when it is, it is breathtaking. What are your ‘moments’? Think of the ones you have already had. Maybe those are all you need.