What if I Never Did…
Sometimes, when we are willing to lay our own dreams down to pursue what we feel like we ‘SHOULD’ do, unexpectedly the Lord will hand them back to us and say “Go. Try. Live it.” I have always heard and believed that He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. But most of the time I feel completely unworthy and undeserving. After all, there are bigger needs to be met, right?
All of my life I knew I would sing. I proclaimed to everyone that would listen “I AM GOING TO BE A SINGER!” I sang until my brothers covered their ears and begged me to stop. (Or begged my Dad to tell me to stop, which he never did). Out of high school I just knew I would somehow find my way to the stage. What stage? I don’t know. I was content with any. I have had very minimal training, a ton of experience and opportunity, and a passion that keeps getting stronger, not fainter. But wait, I am a full-time wife and mom right? Once you become that, there is no more room for dreams. And how dare you try and follow them. A lie I have believed and given into for far too long. I have been very blessed to have a husband who 100% supports my dreams and even accommodates them. I have a daughter who gets just as excited about them as I do. And a sweet little boy who is just content to go along for the ride. =) But above it all, even my own flesh, I have a God who has placed them within me and even when I tried to ignore them and stuff them away, He lovingly brings them to the surface again and reminds me that even in those passions and dreams, I can still honor Him and serve Him well.
I am the type of person that feels guilty very easily. I will put my family before myself any day. I used to make decisions hastily and very emotionally. I am learning. A work in progress I like to say. I am learning to decipher between a moment of nostalgia and a yearning to go and follow what God has put in me to do. “But it makes no sense,” I tell myself. “It is impossible,” I think. I think of a 100 reasons why I shouldn't. Then God tells me 101 “why I shoulds”. I am reminded to pray. Give it over and wait. Be patient. Trust. It is not ME that will fulfill anything, it is GOD. I have come to realize that anything I do, I do for Him and only Him. I want to share Him with others and He has given me creative ways to do that. I have come to realize that I have stuffed God in a box along with all of my creative outlets, my dreams, and my passions. I have planted myself on top of it and decided to stay there and attempt to find contentment. I have gotten comfortable within my ‘safe place’ of just getting by and doing just enough. Is it though? Is it really enough? I have stuffed the God who created the Universe in 6 days in a box and have unintentionally limited His ability to make the impossible, possible in my life. What seems completely far fetched to me is completely normal to Him. Food for thought.
I think what I am trying to say is, God puts things in you for a reason. Chances are, if it is something you are truly passionate about and are doing for all of the right reasons, then it is something meant for you to do. I know for me there may always be many times that I dwell in the reasons why I cannot or should not, but what I heard today was, “If you’re making excuses now for not doing what you are called to, you’re never going to. Test Him. Believe Him.” So, as much sense as it doesn’t make to take a new step, I am going to. After all, it is only a step. What happens after that is completely unwritten in my mind but already published in God’s.